


Mistakes

by Angelinee



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: F/M, Idk what this is but its kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-11-18 02:08:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11281539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelinee/pseuds/Angelinee
Summary: Where Sana regrets leaving things behind





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Im gonna be honest im not entirely certain what this is? Like i wrote this at 2 am but enjoy

It's been a year. A full on year since she's seen him but it feels like only yesterday. Like it was only yesterday she got on her plane, yesterday when she left him behind with a piece of her heart. 

A full year of her half-heartedly living. A year of her telling herself that it was over, that leaving him behind was for the best. A full on year of lying to herself. But leaving Yousef behind didn't mean that she stopped loving him. No, that would've been too easy. 

So when she finally gets home for the summer she feels two seperate things, the pain of her own self inflicted heartache and the aching to see his face once more. All she really wanted was to hear him laugh or hold his hand. Hell, she would even let him throw grass at her again if it meant he would forgive her. If it meant she would get to see him again.

He was it. The only one she wanted, the one she wanted to marry. The one she should never have left behind but fear can lead you to do dumb things. Things that undoubtedly will cause nothing less than regret. It was almost hopeless to think he would forgive her. 

So when she saw her family waiting for her at the airport her smile didn't quite reach her eyes because he wasn't there. He wasn't there and her life wasn't quite complete without him, as much as she hated it. 

"Sana!" Her father said, arms wide open. 

She smiled and hugged him,"Hi." 

"How was school?" 

"Busy." 

She hugs her mom and then her brother. 

"How is everything?" She asks them. 

They all say things are good, going into detail about small but nonetheless important things that have happened while she was gone. Sana really can't bring herself to share anything enthusiastic about her school year because there's not much. She spent most of the year wallowing in self pity and heartbreak. 

They all walk out to the car, her parents walking a few lengths in front of her and Elias. 

Sana clears her throat after a few moments of thinking, wondering if she should ask or just leave it be. 

"How is he?" 

She has to ask in the end. She knows that even if she didn't Elias still would've told her. Not even she can pretend that she doesn't miss him. She cannot pretend that she doesn't still love him with all her heart.

"He's alright, I guess. Actually he left for Turkey about a month after you left." 

Sana's breath hitches in her throat and she lets out a soft "Oh." 

"I think he just needed some distance, everything here just reminded him of..." Elias trails off, not wanting to hurt his sister more. 

Sana doesn't say anything because it's all futile. She doesn't need to tell Elias how much she regrets her decision. Even if she did it wouldn't change anything. She had made her decision and now she had to live with it which meant living without Yousef. She couldn't keep doing this to him, toying with his feelings as though they didn't matter. 

Elias opens his mouth but then closes it obviously hesitant about his next words.

"You should tell him." 

She shakes her head,"I can't do that to him now. That would be cruel." 

Elias opens his mouth but she shakes her head and walks off in front of him after her mom and dad. 

She's not dumb though in fact she's all too knowing and she knows that the conversation isn't over its merely just been put on pause. Still she enjoys the ride back home and she finds all these memories as they drive. 

She sees Yousef in everything. She's easily reminded of him with the glimpse of anything. In the people that walk the streets, in the kebab place they pass. She sees him on the basketball courts or by the bluebells. She sees him by the waterfront, even sees a glimpse of him in a random guy walking down the street who just happens to be wearing a snapback. 

The thing is that he's everywhere and she is all too aware. It hurts, hurts so much that she thinks she might die. Before she knows it there's tears running down her cheeks, blurring up her vision. They leave everything even more hazy than before and there's just so many memories, they hurt so so much. She just wants them to end and-

"Stop!" 

"Sana are you-" 

"Stop!" 

Her parents pull over and look over at Sana, concern so evident in their eyes. 

"Sana?" 

She closes her eyes and tries to breathe. 

"I'm sorry. I need some air. Can I walk home with Elias?" She asks. 

Her parents look at her like she's crazy but Elias is quick to assure them that he'll take care of her. 

She's out of the car and walking down the street, Elias quickly following her. It's just around the corner and she's not sure why she has to be there but she just needs to. Her feet are finding their way to there, to the beginning. To before she made such a terrible decision, before she made such a dumb mistake. 

She sits there in the middle of the court, not caring in the slightest about the dirt. 

"Sana?" 

She blinks, it sounds so much like him. She can hear him like he's right there next to her. Sana's smart though, knows that it's purely her mind playing tricks on her. Only memories coming back to haunt her. 

"Sana?" 

It's there again, his voice. So soft, full of love so unlike when she last heard his voice. It's like a melody, the sweetest sound that she's ever heard. His voice is the most beautiful sound in the whole world and she would do just about anything to hear it again. 

She doesn't want to open her eyes because when she does it'll be over. This sad fantasy that her mind made up will be over and she'll have to face her reality. 

"Sana?" 

It comes out breathlessly this time and its so much closer, so real. It sounds so real and it can't be. It's not real but it sounds just like him. Maybe. Maybe it is him, maybe it is real. 

She wants so badly for him to be standing there. She wants him to take her face into his hands, wipe away all the tears flowing down her face. She so desperately wants him to be right in front of her. Wants to wrap her arms around his neck and listen to him as he murmured sweet things into her ear. She wants to go back, back to when she was happy. Back to when she hadn't hurt him, to when it was all okay. 

So she opens her eyes slowly still not wanting to face such reality but knowing she can't stay this way forever, that her life must go on. She opens her eyes, full of this hope, praying that maybe she's wrong. Maybe, just maybe it's real.

But there's nothing. Nothing but the empty basketball court and Elias lingering in the distance.

Not a single thing. 

That's her reality.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a lot of positive responses from the last chapter so ive decided to turn it into a multi chapter

It's quiet. Too quiet but the quiet has always been something she loved. But not lately, at least not in the past year. The last year she's been trying to stay away from the quiet because all its really brought her was heartbreak. It's 4 am, not at all a time in which she should be up. But with so many unwanted thoughts going through her head she just can't find sleep. 

She doesn't want to stay here though it feels trapped. The confides of her bed and by extension her room and house. Again, they present her with nothing but memories. Those annoyingly, excruciating memories that popped up anywhere she looked. The world just couldn't give her a single break, could it? Forcing her to relive the best parts of her life in the most cruel ways possible. Reliving the past with all the knowledge of the present. 

So instead she puts on her shoes and pulls her hijab on tight. She scribbles down a note just in case someone wakes up before she gets back and sets it on the kitchen table. She imagines that her parents will be mad at her when they read that she's left to walk the streets of Oslo at 4 am. It's probably the worst idea she's ever had, although subconsciously she knows it doesn't hold a candle to some of her previous decisions. 

She stops in the living room, eyes momentarily catching on the basketball that lies against the couch. She thinks she must stand there looking at the basketball for at least an hour although really it couldn't have been more than a single minute. She hasn't played in so long not enjoying the significance, or lack of significance, behind the game. She briefly remembers how it used to clear her head, bouncing the ball up and down the court, shooting with far too much force. She was always missing anyways, too entranced by her hazy frustration in dealing with whatever problems she had been presented. 

She blinks and picks up the ball carefully as though it might crumble underneath her fingers if she grips it too tight. She tucks it unceremoniously into her side easily contrasting with her earlier treatment.

She's still the same person, she has to be. She's always loved basketball and she hoped that no one would ever change that no matter how much loved them. It would be so foolish, so unlike her to let anyone, or rather the memories of someone, stop her from doing something she loved so dearly. Maybe, maybe it's what she needed.

There's no noise as she walks down the street. Only the slight ruffling of leaves in the wind or the sound of early risers getting up. The glistening of the street lights on the pavemeny. It's nice, the silence. Sana hasn't been able to stand the silence for the past few months, feeling like all it truly did was make her more in touch with the thoughts she so desperately wanted to forget. 

But now? Here on this cold street in the early hours? 

Now she felt free. Like maybe she could finally smile, like maybe it wasn't all bad. She was still breathing, her heart was still mostly entact and she was on track. Her education would always come first because above all she always had to put herself first. This was something that had taken her such a long time to realize. 

She makes it to a basketball court a few blocks away. Originally she was just going to play outside her house but she didn't want to wake anyone in the building. 

As she bounces the ball she thinks she feels a little bit of power come back to her. Relishes in the new found sliver of happiness. She shoots, feeling deflated as she misses the basket. Things couldn't possibly be fixed so easily, right? 

She shoots again, this time trying to calculate it better. Really thinking about the shot, going back to the days when she was first learning. She remembers them with a smile. Elias had thought he had it in the bag so overconfident that he had said he would even allow Sana to have a headstart. Sana won by over ten points and it had been her first time playing. 

After that her father would bring her to the courts, sometimes with Elias and sometimes without, and they would play for hours. In those hours Sana would be ran ragged, her feet would ache, her legs would feel like jelly and her arms would barely be able to lift up from her sides but she loved it more than anything in the world. In her mind there was nothing that playing basketball couldn't cure for her. 

She plays and plays, each time she gets the ball in her smile gets larger and her focused gets more intense. Only the blinding light of the sun on the horizon is enough to drag her out of her own trance. The bright rays manage to shine directly into her eyes, sending her stumbling while she attempt to cover her eyes with her hand. 

She frowns and takes out her phone from her pocket. There's already ten messages. 

**From Mama:  
**   
_Sana, where are you?_

**From Mama:  
**   
_I'm starting to get very worried.  
_

**From Elias:  
**   
_Sana???? Mom and Dad are freaking out  
_

**From Elias:  
**   
_Seriously they think you're dead or something  
_

She doesn't bother reading the rest, knowing that they're probably all the same thing. Only sends her mother a quick text saying that she's playing basketball and sorry for the scare. 

She sits on a bench next to the court, watches the sun rise with the slightest of smiles on her face. The sky looks beautiful, the streaks of pink and orange mixing in perfectly harmony with the blue sky. The gleams of yellow sunlight peaking through the clouds of white.

For whatever reason the light from the sun draws inspiration from her, a confidence that she lost somewhere along the line. 

She brings out her phone.

_Hi, I want to apologize. I treated you badly and I never should have. I disregarded your feelings and that's not fair. If I was you I would never forgive me. Remember when you gave me those bluebells back before we even started dating? You probably don't know this but they symbolize everlasting love. That's the first thought that came across my mind when you handed me them. I think that was the moment I knew that you were it for me. The moment I knew that I would love you. You don't know this but I still have those bluebells, they're pressed inbetween the pages of one of my favorite books. It's probably not even relevant but I thought you should know for some reason. I'm sorry I did this to you. I'm sorry I waited so long to tell you. I'm sorry that I took such a long time to apologize and I'm so sorry that I'm being so inconsiderate by sending you this a year after everything that's happened. You deserve the world and I hope you find it._

_-Sana  
_

She presses send and tucks her phone back into her pocket. Her nerves kick in and she's berating herself for sending the message. Telling herself that she's such an idiot. That he was probably doing fine without her maybe even thriving without her. And now all she's done is make him feel guilt or uncomfortable simply because she needed the closure. 

But then there was this other part of her, this part that secretly hoped he hadn't moved on. She hoped that he was just as miserable as she was but then scolded herself for such thoughts. He deserved so much more than that, he deserved to be happy, to be beyond happy whether that was with or without her. 

She watches the sun, listens as the noises get louder. The city is waking up and she feels nothing but grateful for the noise now. The moment has come and gone, thoughts slowly flooding back to her. Those thoughts and memories she had sought out to forget crawled their way back into her head. 

She doesn't miss the ping of her phone though. The sound instantly making her more alert. It's such a mundane thing. She thinks it might actually be hilarious if she dies right here from a heart attack simply due to the ring of her phone. 

Her heart is racing, palms suddenly sweaty and clammy. She hesitates, not wanting to reach into her jacket pocket. What if she checks it and he says he doesn't feel the same. What if it's all over after this? The chance at rejection is too high. She doesn't want it all too be over. Moving on from Yousef would be the hardest thing that she'll ever do in her life and she's not ready for that. 

She does it anyways, pushes down her deepest fears and anxiety. She takes what she thinks might be the longest breath ever and slowly takes her phone from her pocket. 

**From Elias:  
**   
_You're at the basketball courts? I'm coming to pick you up  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there wasn't too much dialouge but I really wanted to get Sana's frame of mind before anything else. Hope you guys enjoyed! Come talk to me on [tumblr](http://fvckinbitter.tumblr.com/)!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely happy with this chapter but honestly I've written at least five different versions of this chapter but this one was definitely my favorite. Also want to apologize for such a long wait I really wasn't getting too much inspiration to write

Here's how it goes. 

There's no reply, no left on read, just those tiny little words that say delivered. 

She's stared at those words for so long.

What does it really mean? 

She drives herself nearly insane just trying to come up with a plausible theory as to why exactly a full month later she goes unanswered. Pouring her heart out is something that she doesn't do too easily, something that probably will never happen again. 

She stays attached to her phone for the first week. Jumps every single time she gets a notification. Reads over the message she sent until it's embedded into her brain. She doesn't sleep, can't because of all these thoughts roaming around her brain. 

Why didn't he reply? _It's because he doesn't love you back. ___

____

____

So many stupid questions and so many possible answers but of course her brain focuses on the worst possible scenario.

The second and third week all she tried to do was distract herself only none of the girls were home yet to help her. So she mostly just plays a lot of basketball and turns her phone off.

Now at the start of a new week she decides to be a bit more productive. Sana decides to have coffee with Chris. So far she was the only one of the girls to be back from university. 

Sana smiles when she sees the girl sitting down at a table outside, spoon in her mouth and all. 

"Sana!" The girl lights up at the sight of Sana and scrambles to get out of her seat. 

Sana smiles and englufs Chris into a hug,"I missed you so much." 

"What have you been up to?" She asks when they pull back. 

"Nothing new really. Trying to study but partying instead. What about you?" 

"Mostly studying." 

"You probably never leave the library." 

"Why would I need to?" Sana jokes. 

"You have to have gone to a least one party." 

Sana makes a face at that,"Parties? I'm too busy for that." 

"Girl, you can never be too busy to party!" 

Sana laughs,"I'll keep that in mind." 

It gets a bit quiet after that. Sana thinks that it's nice to just be in ths presence of a good friend. She had friends at her university but no one that she knew as well as her girls. She feels a bit better having been around friends now.

"What's wrong?" 

"Huh? Nothing." 

"Sana" 

"No, I'm fine. Just a bit tired." 

It's not a lie. She is tired. Sleep is something that she no longer has the luxury of. On a good day the most she would get is five hours lately the thoughts in her head were just too loud for sleep. 

"I know you've been a bit down lately." 

"How?" 

"Elias told us." 

Sana raises her eyebrows, "You talk to my brother?" 

"Well he talks to Noora and she told us." 

Sana can't really hide her confusion, "Why does my brother talk to Noora?" 

Chris shrugs in reply and Sana narrows her eyes at the girl. She'll figure all of that out later but there's definitely something there worth knowing. 

Sana takes a deep breath, "Why didn't you say anything?" 

"You're a private person and I figured you would come to us when you were ready." 

This is why Sana is glad she has Chris. She always let Sana come to her on her own, never pushed her to do anything that would make her uncomfortable. 

"Thanks, Chris." 

Sana gives her a hug and it's nice to finally have someone on her side. It doesn't have to just be her against the world anymore Sana has friends that will always be by her and for that she's grateful. 

She pulls back and reluctantly shares whats been bothering her. 

"It's uh- it's Yousef." Sana says, her gaze never leaving her hands in her lap. 

"Yousef? I thought you broke up." 

Sana nods,"We did but I regret it. I don't want anyone else. I miss him so much." 

Chris doesn't say anything for a while but Sana recognizes that look on her face. She's thinking about the right thing to say. 

"Did you tell him?" 

"I sent him a message a month ago and he never responded." 

"What did it say?" 

Sana pulls out her phone and hands it to Chris. She watches as Chris reads the message, noting how her eyes have gotten so much softer by the end. 

"I can't believe he never replied." 

Sana sighs,"Me either." 

"This sucks." 

"I know." 

"You know what we should do?" 

Sana raises an eyebrow. 

"We should go to the cabin for the weekend!" 

"The cabin?" 

"Yeah remember we went there a few years ago." 

Sana thinks for a second,"Yeah we should." 

"We're getting los losers back together!"

Sana laughs. 

The weekend in the cabin is exactly what she needs. She doesn't get a signal there and while she thought that was going to be anxiety inducing it had actually ended up being refreshing. Like a weight had been pulled off her shoulders. 

She had driven there with Chris while the others were coming later that day. 

Sana laughs at the sight of the cabin. 

"Remember when we convinced all the girls that my hijab had powers?" 

Chris laughs,"That was fucking hilarious." 

"Yeah it was." 

"When did they say they were gonna be here?" 

"A few hours?" 

So they wait for the other girls in the cabin. It feels like it's been five minutes when the other three girls come crashing in, holding too much stuff. 

"Sana!"

But the thing is that even as she's blindsided by blonde hair and pulled into a somewhat soul crushing hug she's still thinking about him. 

Even when she's laughing with the girls, laughing harder than she has in the past year she's still thinking about his laugh. 

Even when she's having fun she's still thinking about him and god, how does she get it to stop? When does she get a break? 

She wishes that she'd never met him. She wishes so, so badly that her brother had never become friends with him. That Elias never brought Yousef home and that she never saw him. She wishes that he never existed. She wishes that she'd never broken his heart and by extension broke her own heart. But most of all? 

She wishes that she meant all of that, wishes that she could actually mean that she never wanted to know him. 

****

Here's how it goes. 

She comes home, finally happy after such a great weekend with the girls. Her parents are on vacation so she grabs the mail out of the box before she goes inside the house. Casually looks through all of it and stops in her tracks when she sees an envelope addressed to Elias from Yousef.

Her heart stops.

It's a beautiful lavender envelope with his name and a women's name written in elegant cursive. 

She's not an idiot, she knows what a wedding invitation looks like. She doesn't open it to confirm because it's not hers. Instead she tucks in back in with the rest of the mail and walks up the steps to their house. 

She takes a deep breath and tries to keep her heart from pounding out her chest. She can barely walk up the steps to the house. It feels as though her legs weigh three times what they used. It feels like her whole body weighs too much, like she's stuck in cement. 

But she pulls herself together, tries to mask everything that she's feeling. Her hand wraps around the door knob and she takes a deep breath before she opens the door. 

"Elias! You have mail!" 

"What is it?" 

Sana shrugs and hands it over. 

Elias turns it over in his hands before he opens it. She definitely doesn't miss the confused look on his face which is closely followed by a look of pure anger. 

She's right, of course. She always is but oh how she had hoped she would be wrong. Elias' gaze falls on Sana across the room. 

"Sana-"

She shakes her head,"It doesn't matter." 

But it does. It matter so much, it hurts so much. Like someone has ripped out her heart, bounced it around like a basketball, and replaced it with the tattered remains. 

"Yousef is getting married." 

"So?" She says in a voice so casual she's actually starting to convince herself that she's okay. 

But the hardest thing she's ever had to do is pretend her heart is not shattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was probably a lot of mistakes in this but whatever. I hope you guys enjoyed it! Come talk to me on [tumblr](http://fvckinbitter.tumblr.com/) because it really helps me get inspired!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so overwhelmed by how many people were basically ruined by the last chapter. I swear I literally just added that plot twist in so nonchalantly I forgot it was in there. Anways thanks so much for all your nice comments! I hope you guys enjoy this!

It was exactly like this. A blur of a memory that always sits there in the back of her brain. The first thing she remembers when she wakes up and the last thing when, or if, she goes to bed. 

It happened so quickly. A single defining moment that can make or break. And in this moment she chose wrong but, oh, was she paying for it. 

_They're in the lobby of the airport. Lingering around until the very last minute. Until Sana absolutely has to get on her plane. They both want to have every possible minute together before that happens. It's been like this all week. They've both been overly affectionate towards one another. Both trying their best to hide their dread at Sana leaving for school._

_"I can't believe you're leaving for five months." Yousef says, playing with their entangled fingers._

_Sana lets out a deep breath,"I know. It's going to feel like a lifetime."_

_"It is a lifetime." Yousef says, lifting her hand up to his lips to kiss._

_She sighs and gives him a smile._

_"Are you sure you have to go?"_

_She doesn't know what it is about that sentence that goes over badly with her but she snaps. Under any other circumstances she would've laughed or marveled at his slightly whiny tone._

_"I care about my education."_

_She doesn't know why she's so angry only that she is. She's going to a completely different country just for medical school but that means being in a completely different country than Yousef. That just wasn't something that she was ready for. She didn't want to be away from him._

_He had told her that he would come with her but how could she do that to him? How could she make him uproot his life just so that she could go to school?_

_"I care about your education too, Sana. You know I've always supported you."_

_She lets out annoyed sigh, although it's mostly due to her sudden anger than Yousef._

_"I know."_

_And she does. She knows how much he values the fact that Sana wants to be a surgeon above everything else. She cares so much about her education and career._

_"What is this about? I told you I'm not mad. You've always wanted this." He says, taking a few steps closer to her and placing his hands on either side of her face._

_"I'm worried about the distance." She says, unable to meet his eyes._

_"Hey, look at me."_

_She brings her gaze up to meet his and sees those eyes that she loves so much. Those beautiful brown eyes that held nothing but love for her. Soft, beautiful, brown eyes that she got lost in so easily. The most reassuring thing in the world for her._

_"The distance means nothing. I love you, Sana."_

_She smiles and places her forhead against his,"I love you too."_

_But there's still this thought in the back of her mind telling her that all she's doing is holding him back. That so many things could change during her time at school._

_Yousef must see the change in her eyes, how it goes from loving to thoughtful and maybe even a bit panicked. He must recognize it immediately because his expression quickly changes from one of ease to one of worry._

_"Sana?"_

_"I don't think I can do this." She pushes away from his hold, making sure to put a few feet of distance between them. If she doesn't, she'll end up right back in his arms._

_She must be crazy. Must seem so spur of the moment for her to have such a quick change in thought. Only it's not sudden. She's thought about this for so long. Thought about her and Yousef and what the distance could do to them._

_What is she thinking? She can't do this! She can't just make him wait for her. Love or not. He looks hurt and confused which makes Sana feel terrible. But it's all for the best, right? Leaving him behind would be selfish of her. Making him wait for her would be so incredibly selfish._

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"I can't just make you wait for me while I go to school."_

_That would be awful of her. Love can only go so far, right? She didn't want to do this to him. Doesn't want to make him wait for her while she goes off to school for four whole years. She doesn't want him to resent her._

_"You aren't making me do anything." He exclaims._

_"Yes, I am and you don't even realize it!"_

_It's like he's compromising part of his life to her own. As if she's making him revolve around her, like what she wants matters more than what he wants._

_"Sana, calm down. Lets talk about this."_

_"We are talking. You just aren't listening. You shouldn't have to wait for me."_

_"I want to."_

_He says that now but what if it changes? Time and distance can do that to any relationship. Even people who are as in love as her and Yousef. They weren't the exception. It would end up terrible. She doesn't want Yousef to hate her._

_"But you shouldn't! Don't you get that?"_

_"Sana, this isn't making any sense."_

_But to her it makes all too much sense. It makes so much sense. The last thing she wants is for him to resent her because for whatever reason her plans got prioritized over his own._

_"I think this is the first time in a while that I've made any sense."_

_"Please."_

_Her heart aches at the sight of him, at exactly how broken he looks in that moment. She wishes she could take all of her words back. But she's always been the strong one and right now she needed to be stronger than ever._

_"I'm sorry but I have to go now."_

_"You can't just leave like this."_

_"Why not?"_

_"I love you and I know you love me."_

_But it's not enough, she thinks. It's not enough. It was never enough to begin with._

_"So?"_

_"So you can't just leave us behind. I won't let you."_

_Against her better judgement she lets out a scoff,"Goodbye, Yousef."_

_"So that's it? You're just going to give up?"_

_She's setting him free. Ridding him of a commitment that she knows he'll regret later. Definitely not giving up._

_"I'm not giving up."_

_"That's exactly what you're doing!"_

_She shakes her head,"You don't understand. I don't want you to wait for me!" She exclaims, throwing her arms around like a mad woman in an attempt to get her point across._

_Waiting for her would kill him. She loves him so much that it consumes her. She loves him so much that if he asked her right now she would chose him over her education. She loves him so much that she can barely think. Maybe that was the problem._

_"Then make me understand."_

_"I can't. You're just going to have to trust me."_

_She loves him enough to let him go. To let him live his own life free from her own._

_He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. Instead a look of defeat washes over his face like he's given up. Sana's stomach drops at the sight but she's too caught up in her own line of thought to process the feeling._

_Yousef just shakes his head,"Fine, Sana. Push me away."_

_And it all goes black again. For reasons unbeknownst to even her she does push people away. And if she had been honest to herself she would've known that this was just another example of that insecurity._

_Truthfully Sana doesn't even know what happened. How did it all escalate so quickly?_

_She adds a soft 'bye' before she takes her suitcase and walks off._

_Before she walks off and leaves the one person she loves more than anyone else in the whole damn world behind._

_She walks away like it's so damn easy but her heart hurts. Her body aches and her head is pounding. Her legs feel like jelly and all she wants to do is stop._

_All she wants to do is turn back around and never get on the plane. She has everything that she's ever wanted in Yousef._

_It doesn't even resonate on her what she's done until she's off the plane. Not until she sits on her bed in the dorm of her university. Not until she sits down on the bed and cries until she can't cry anymore does it resonate._

_She broke up with Yousef._

_It's then that she realizes her heart is broken. No, not broken, it's shattered. Tiny little pieces and dust are where her heart used to be, she's sure of it. Because that's what it feels like, it's the worst feeling in the world and it's all hers for the next year. ___

__She was so stupid, got way too angry for almost no reason. She let go of the only man she had ever loved all because she didn't want him to wait around while she gets the career she always wanted._ _

__What kind of person did that make her? What kind of person throws away a love that others can only hope for? Why was she always sabotaging herself?_ _

__Maybe it was a good thing that he was getting married. She did say that he deserved the world and maybe this other girl was going to be the one to give him it._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In true SKAM fashion I have resolved nothing. Come yell at me on [tumblr](http://fvckinbitter.tumblr.com/)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for making you guys wait so long! Its been a little hard writing this chapter because I'm still not entirely sure where the story is going? Also the timeline might seem a little weird but I sort of intended it to be that way? As always there's probably a bunch of mistakes. Anyways thanks so much for anyone who commented nice things and I hope you enjoy!

The light flows through the window brightly. If she wasn't already awake the rays of sun surely would've woken her up. 

Sleep?

It definitely had become even more scarce than it was before. Now she was lucky if she even got an hour of sleep. Sometimes she would doze off in the middle of the day. 

It didn't feel like she was tired at least not mentally. Her body was definitely telling her the opposite. She hadn't ate a solid meal in a day or two. 

Why? 

Because she was a mess now. She was a wreck. Stumbling around with even less than half a heart. She would be crying more if she remembered to drink water every now and then. 

The only time she really got out of bed was to pray. These past two days praying had been the only thing to even slightly relieve the dull ache in her chest. It brought this wave of calm and certainty over her that she was all too glad for. 

People had come by. Her brother has knocked on the door of her bedroom at least ten times the day after she found out. She didn't answer until he threatened to break down the door. Only then did she let out a barely audible 'I just want to be alone'. 

The next person to visit was Noora. That was a bit more eventful. Fortunately for Noora she had caught Sana later at night. Almost right after she had performed wudu, which meant that Sana hadn't had time to run back into her room before the blonde came barreling in. 

Sana was at least grateful that she came with tea and a scone from that coffee place they always went to. But that didn't last long. She was grateful for Noora's visit but she just wanted to be alone. 

Chris and Eva visit next. They came with a few balloons and a series of smiles. They're brightly colored and are so reflective of Chris' personality but all Sana sees is that night when they all went to that party together. Everything is tainted with memories of him. All Sana ever sees now is the beginning of a tragedy. 

It's when Vilde knocks quietly on the door that Sana even thinks of opening up. 

She hadn't had any visitors in the past two days. She didn't expect any either, her friends had their own lives to live. They couldn't be checking up on her every day. 

"Sana?" 

Vilde's voice is soft and she knocks very lightly on Sana's bedroom door. Sana's not even sure if she's knocked at all it's so quiet. 

"I brought you a kebab." 

It had been a while since Sana last ate and she couldn't ignore her rumbling stomach any longer. 

"Sorry I couldn't come sooner, I've been busy at work." Vilde explains, her voice apologetic. 

No reply. 

"I thought we could sit in bed and watch some of your favorite movies. Maybe a horror movie?" 

Sana's lips twitch at the idea. Her friendship with Vilde has come a long way. Only Vilde would volunteer horror movies as a way to cheer her up. 

But she still doesn't answer. Horror movies and Kebabs aren't really going to help her right now. In fact she can't think of anything in particular that would help her right now. 

"I was gonna make some tea." Vilde continues. 

Sana waits a few more minutes thinking that Vilde would eventually give up and leave. She hears Vilde sit on the floor in front of her door. The shadow of her body can be seen through the small crack beneath the door. 

"My mother's an alcoholic. Well she was, says she was but I don't really know if she's better or not." Vilde explains and Sana notes how soft and quiet her voice is.

Like Vilde is unsure whether or not she should share. 

Sana knows that Vilde's had problems but she never knew what exactly they were. Vilde never wanted to talk about them and Sana was not going to push her. But if Vilde felt comfortable enough to tell her about something that made her so vulnerable, shouldn't she let her in? 

There's a brief pause and Sana can basically feel the tension in the air. 

"It's not something that you can do on your own. You can't heal on your own, you have to let someone help you." 

Sana slowly gets up from her spot on her bed and approaches the door. She's always kept everything inside, it's always been her against the world. 

She's going to let Vilde in. 

"Sana, please let me help you. You don't have to be alone." 

Sana's hand pauses on the door knob. 

"Yes, I do." Sana says, because it's easier this way. 

Anything she says is so easily misunderstood and she's tired of it. She's tired of explaining, of catering to others. She's just so damn tired of everything. 

She can practically see Vilde shaking her head. 

"It's so much easier to have someone. We don't have to talk about anything. Sometimes it's better to just sit there and have someone with you." 

Sana hesitantly unlocks the door, cracking it open a tiny bit. 

"I don't want to talk about it." She says, her voice barely above a whisper. 

Vilde nods and smiles at her, barely waiting a second before engulfing Sana into a hug. It's much needed and it makes Sana feel a little warm inside. 

"Which movie first?" 

****

Sana has definitely had better weeks. After the first week or so she finally crawled out of her bed. She knew that everyone expected her to be a mess, to never leave her room again. They probably expected her to break down or drown in her own tears and sorrow. But Sana just couldn't do that. She had already wasted so much time doing just that. 

Especially with everyone else looking at her like she was glass. In truth most of her newfound strength was almost entirely due to her need to spite them. There was something about her holding her head high when others expected her to do the opposite that made her feel better. 

It wasn't real though. At night, when she was finally in her bed, she would cry. She reverted back to her state a few weeks ago during the night. All she could do was cry. Her facade would break and she would spend the entire night crying until she was exhausted enough to sleep. 

She was coming home from meeting the girls. Sana opened the front door, pausing for a second when she heard Elias' voice coming from the living room.

She walks over to the living room to tell him that she was home except when she sees him he's on the phone. His back is to her but Sana can tell from his posture that he isn't happy. He says something but Sana can barely catch it. It's all only a murmur but when she hears the word 'married' she figures that it's Yousef. 

She hides behind the doorway, pressing her back against the wall. She strains to hear Elias as he talks on the phone. 

Why is he calling Yousef? Did Yousef call him? Are they talking about her? About the wedding? Why? Why is he getting married? Who is she? Does he love Sana anymore? 

All these questions roam through her head. Part of her wants to march into the living room, grab the phone from Elias and ask Yousef all of these questions. 

She wants to ask him how he could do this to her, how could he just not respond to her message. She wants to scream at him but it's her own fault. 

"How could you do this?" Elias says.

Sana knows that Elias is pacing back and forth right now but she wishes he would stop. The soft padding of his footsteps is making it harder to hear the conversation.

Sana's thoughts are working overtime. Mostly she just wanted to tell Elias that it was okay. That it was okay if Yousef had moved on. It was nothing less than she had expected.

"What about Sana?" Elias asks, anger evident. 

Her heart stops at this question. She wants so much to hear Yousef's response to that question. What about her? Did he ever see her message? Did it matter? Does he even care about her anymore? Did he love her anymore? 

"So thats it?" 

And that was it. The moment she pulled that wedding invitation out of the mailbox it was all over. You just can't come back from that.

"She looks miserable, bro." Elias says with a sigh. 

He's right, she's beyond miserable. She's just going through the motions now. Trying her best to live with a broken heart. Sana doesn't want Yousef to know exactly how messed up she is. She doesn't want him to feel burdened by her misery. Definitely doesn't want him to know how he's broken her. 

She takes a breath and walks back over to the front door. Opening it loudly and then closing it. She shuffles around for good measure, trying to make it obvious that she's home. 

"Elias?" She calls out. 

She notes how he has hung up the phone when she walked into the room. Almost smiles at the thought of her big brother still trying to protect her. She wondered how he was taking everything. She never really told him why they had broken up but maybe she should have. 

Sometimes she worried that Elias felt gulity for their breakup. Sana was his sister but Yousef was still his best friend. She knew that he loved the both of them. 

"I'm going outside to play basketball." 

"Can I join?"

****

Sana's bags are all packed and her plane ticket is somewhere in her bag. It's a week early to go back to university and typically she liked to wait until the last possible day to leave but everything was different. She thought maybe the change of scenery would be better. 

She already said goodbye to her parents last night as they had work all day today. She was going to miss her family of course but this was for the best. Now all she had to do was say bye to Elias. Her decision had been very last second so he didn't even know that she was leaving. 

Sana walks into the living room with her suitcase and bag slung over her shoulder. 

Elias looks up from his laptop. He's lounging on the couch. 

"You're leaving?" He says, eyeing her suitcase. 

Sana nods,"I've decided to go back to school early." 

It wasn't that early, she was only supposed to leave next week. But she figured that she going back early wasn't the worst idea. It was all just getting to be a bit much and she felt like if she stayed here in Oslo any longer she would explode. 

Elias looks at her skeptically, "Is this because of Yousef?" 

Sana just looks at him. Of course it's because of Yousef. Elias should knows this. In part it's because of Yousef and then because of her. It's her own fault, right? 

"I can fix it. I promise." Elias says. 

There goes her big brother trying to protect her again. Going in fists first, trying his hardest to make life easier for Sana. 

She shakes her head,"There's nothing to fix, Elias. I sent him a message a month ago and he didn't reply." 

Elias looks at her like she's crazy. Like there's absolutely no possible way that Yousef wouldn't text her back. 

"He didn't reply?" He asks incredulously. 

Why did everyone find that so hard to believe? He didn't reply! He doesn't love her anymore. He was getting married to someone else. 

Sana rolls her eyes,"Yes! Obviously he's moved on and now I need to." 

She has spent way too much time dwelling on this. She hasn't gotten any studying done the entire summer, she just couldn't focus. 

Elias looks at her pleadingly, "Sana, I promise I can fix this." 

"There's nothing left to fix." She snaps. 

It can't be fixed and even if it could be does she really want Yousef to cancel his entire wedding for her? That wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be right. 

Sana is glad that she has such a great brother. Really, she's so incredibly lucky to have someone always looking out for her. Her family has helped mend her broken heart and for that she's grateful. 

"Don't say th-" 

She doesn't want to talk about this anymore. She's all talked out and now she just needs to be left alone. Alone with her thoughts and work it out on her own. 

She cuts him off "Can you drive me to the airport?" 

"Sana-" 

She can't deal with this anymore. She just can't do it. There's nothing left, there's no energy left to deal with this. Sana has fought this for too long and she's just so exhausted. There's no fight left in her. She just wants to give in, to give up. 

She cuts him off again paying no mind to his irritated look, "Yes or No?" 

He looks at her. Sana rolls her eyes at his hopeful look. 

"Whatever I'll just get Chris to take me." She snaps. 

And then she's lugging her suitcase outside.

But the thing is that this has all been done before. She's running away again. Using her education as an excuse again. She's running away from him. Even if only in a figurative sense. She's running away from all these memories of him, trying so desperately to get away from them. Avoiding them has only cause her heartbreak. 

So from here on she decides to embrace them. Thoughtfully embrace the good memories, all the happy and get rid of all the bad. Live in bliss even though it feels like nothing but. 

She has to move on, even if it is the last thing on earth that she wants. 

****

The next week is nothing too exciting. Mostly her just lounging around trying to ignore this feeling in her gut saying that she should call Elias. 

Because this is a week before Yousef's wedding and Sana knew for a fact that Elias has already gotten on a plane to Turkey. Elias had flown out early with the rest of the balloon squad.

Sana had been mentally counting down the days ever since she figured out the date. Which hadn't been very easy, she had to sneak into Elias' room while he was out and rifle through a few things to find the invitation. It definitely wasn't her proudest moment but she needed to know the date. 

It helped, at least a little. Now she knew when to throw herself into her studying. She had gotten a job at a coffee shop to keep her mind off things. And if that wasn't enough she had picked up no less than four different hobbies in the past couple of weeks. Not to mention the blisters on her feet from playing so much basketball. 

She was keeping busy. Probably too busy but somehow it was better than just sitting around moping about her lost love. It was exhausting really but no less exhausting than running through countless thoughts over and over and over. 

Instead she went to yoga classes, which wasn't as terrible as she thought it would be, served coffee, and tried, but mostly failed, to paint nature scenes. It was a cycle really, the other day she went into a bookstore and came out with a total of ten books. She would be lying if she said that she didn't finish them all within the week. 

And now? 

It was the first day of her classes which meant that she finally had something other to do than running a 10k at 7 am. 

Her phone rings and she barely has time to silence it before the professor figures out who's phone it is. 

Why is Elias calling her? Is it about Yousef? Is everything okay? She quickly sends out a text to Elias. 

**To Elias:**  
_In class can't talk_

**From Elias:**  
_Call me when it's over it's important_

Sana thinks that he has the worst timing. She's finally gotten the best distraction ever and this is what he does? She know that she'll never be able to focus now. Her mind is automatically going through the worst possible scenarios. 

Her brain sticks on the thought that Elias has spoken with Yousef. Maybe he questioned Yousef about the message she had sent him? 

She scolds herself and tries to bring her attention back to the professor's lecture but all her focus goes out the window. 

**To Elias:**  
_Tell me_

She puts her phone faced down on the table as if that's going to make her pay attention more. Her eyes are still focused on her phone. Looking at the black case with a laser like vision. 

She narrows her eyes at it like it's taunting her. It only takes a few seconds for her to give in and grab it again, setting it down in her lap away from prying eyes. 

**From Elias:**  
_Better to call you_

Sana huffs and checks the time, there's still a solid hour left in the class. She cannot wait that long. 

**To Elias:**  
_There's an hour of class left_

She findles with her fingers in her lap and waits for her phone to light up. At this point she isn't paying even the slightest attention to the professor. The words simply seem like background noise. 

**From Elias:**  
_I talked to Yousef_

Sana's heart is racing. They talked! They talked. But what does that mean? What was said? 

**To Elias:**  
_What did he say?_

This is it. The moment that she's simultaneously been dreading but also been so ecstatic for. She knows that she seems so daft. That if Yousef is marrying someone else than she shouldn't want to break them up. She doesn't want to be that person. Her heart wants him so badly but her brain is yelling no! so loudy it hurts. 

**From Elias:**  
_He said, what message?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize that this chapter could seem a bit choppy but its the only thing that made sense to me? Like it made more sense that Sana's thoughts and actions would be more random as opposed to collected idk.Come yell at me on [tumblr](http://fvckinbitter.tumblr.com/)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who commented nice things!

It's dark. The only light comes in from the crack of the door and even then it's dim. The rain hits the window loudly like a harsh knocking sound. Thunder fills the air and flashes of lightning can be seen through the small slot in between the curtains. 

Sana thinks all of this is entirely fitting. Shitty weather for a very shitty day. The storm outside perfectly matches the never ending storm in her heart. 

Because today is the worst day of her life. 

And if she were to be extremely dramatic she would say that today is the worst day in the entire existence of the world. 

Today is- 

_Today is Yousef's-_

**Today is Yousef's wedding.  
**

Even thinking those very words made her sick to her stomach. She felt like she was going to throw up. Begged for some thoughts that didn't include Yousef getting married but she was stuck. Stuck on all these memories and she just couldn't find any other thoughts. 

To make matters worse it was the weekend. Meaning that there was no class that she could go to in an attempt to distract herself. It was likely for the best anyways, she wouldn't have been able to focus but distractions were more than welcome at this point. 

She couldn't even think of a time where she wasn't so hung up on thoughts, memories and Yousef. It's like her whole life was put on pause the moment she got onto that plane. 

She just felt so defeated. And even worse she felt like the independence that she prided herself on had gone right out the door. Her actions lately had made it seem as though Yousef was the only thing in her life that mattered and she didn't like that one bit. 

She loved him. She loves him. More than anything in this world. She just wants to hold his hand, wants to see his smile and hear his laugh. Sometimes she dreams about him when she can sleep. She hears his voice and sees his face but it's nothing in comparison to the real thing. Because even in her dreams she can hear the slightest difference in his voice or see something wrong with a strand of his hair. It's when she finds this outlier that she wakes up, sent back into the real world that is her nightmare. 

It's 3 am but it's not like she ever really went to bed. In truth, she had watched as the clock turned to midnight signalling the start of the next day. The day that, as previously stated, was the very worst day of her life. 

She couldn't very well go out on a run in the rain nor play basketball for hours upon hours. But maybe if things cleared up in the more appropriate hours of the morning. So instead she grabbed her laptop thinking that maybe she could find something to distract her for the next few hours till dawn.

She's glad she doesn't have a roommate. Originally she had one but the girl had taken one look at Sana's hijab and was gone the very next day. Needless to say, Sana did not mourn her loss. 

It doesn't even resonate to Sana that it's already morning. How could it? The sun did not come up. Instead its covered with dark clouds and heavy overcast. The rain has not let up and as Sana pulls back the heavy black curtains she realizes that going outside today would be insane. 

No one would be going outside today unless they absolutely had to. 

****

Sana carelessly puts her hijab on, it loosely covers her head and she only puts in a few pins to make sure it doesn't go sliding off. 

The girls all facetime her. She has her laptop stationed on top of a bunch of pillows and seeing all of her closest friends trying to squeeze into the tiny screen is a little hilarious. 

They all know what today is. Sana imagines that Noora found out from Elias, she never did question either of them about that. Too preoccupied with her own problems. 

She's glad that she has them especially during times like this. They're the best friends she could ever hope for and she knows that they'll always be there for her. 

"Sana!" The girls almost yell in unison. 

Sana smiles,"Halla." 

"How are you?" 

She shrugs,"I've been better." 

Eva narrows her eyes,"How are you really?" 

Sana looks at the screen,"I'm a little sad." 

"A little?" Noora asks. 

"Fine, I'm dying. Better?" 

"Have you talked to Elias?" Noora asks. 

"No, have you?" Sana snaps. 

"Not really. He just said that he would talk to..." Noora trails off, not wanting to say Yousef's name. 

Sana nods in understanding. 

"How's school?" Noora asks. 

"It's been good. I have some interesting classes." 

Vilde nods,"Thats good." 

There's a loud crack of lightning closely followed by a booming thunder. 

"Is it storming there?" Eva asks after hearing the lightning. 

"Yeah. It's awful." 

They talk some more about school but Sana can tell that they're being extra cautious around her today. Acting as if saying the wrong word around her will send Sana into a fit of tears. Sana asks them how things are there and they all divulge into random stories. Sana appreciates these stories so much because they make her smile and laugh. Which is something that she hasn't done much of lately. 

"Sana?" Vilde asks. 

"Yeah?" 

"We love you." 

Sana smiles at the screen,"I love you losers too." 

They all smile back at her. 

"I have to go now but we should do this again." Sana says. 

She loves them but now she needs to be alone. That's how she's always been but now she knows that she doesn't have to be this way. Still, going through this day is something that she has to do without someone holding her hand. 

They all let out agreements which are followed by goodbye's. Sana waves a quick goodbye to them before ending the call. 

Sana sits there for a few minutes after she hangs up with the girls. This whole day had her unhinged and while she wanted someone here to distract her it seemed it was for the best if she braved through this day on her own. 

****

Sana even knew the exact time the ceremony started. Flashes of the wedding invitation go in and out of her thoughts. Images of Yousef standing at the end of the aisle waiting for his soon to be wife haunted her. She remembered a time when she was supposed to be that person. 

She remembers it all too well. 

Time goes by so slowly. The day feels like a week and a minute feels ten. It's all just a blur, a blur of feeling nothing and simultaneously feeling too much. 

14:00 

That would be the time when everything would be forever. When Yousef would get married. That would be the time where Sana would finally, after so much pining, give up. Her body wanted to give up weeks ago but her heart just wouldn't let her. 

She counts down the minutes till 14:00. Waits with only the sound of rain in the background, her eyes studying the digital clock on her bedside table. The red digits are mocking her. They go by so slowly taunting Sana. Really, the stupid numbers are trying their hardest to emotionally torture Sana. 

There's something about the rain that looks almost inviting. It reminds her of praying. The rain looks like it could wash out her thoughts. 

Its the last ten minutes that are the worst. They go by like memories, slow and haunting. 

 

**Ten.**

 

_They met when Sana was ten and Elias had just met some new friends in middle school. Elias could never stop talking about those friends. The whole family would sit down for dinner and Elias would go on and on about his friends._

_So one day her mamma told Elias to invite them all over. Elias' face had lit up at the suggestion and he all but ran to the phone to tell them._

_Sana remembers wishing that she would have friends like that one day. Friends that would always be there for you no matter what._

_As if reading her thoughts her mother had lightly grabbed Sana's hands and told her,"One day you'll have friends like that, habibti."_

_Sana nodded and smiled brightly at her mother, positively giddy by the thought._

_Elias' friends had come over the next week. Sana had barely even saw them. She had come home a little bit later from backetball practice and they were outside playing. Sana could hear them yelling through her balcony window._

_"Sana!" Her mamma yells._

_Sana sets her bag down and goes into the kitchen where her mamma is._

_"Yeah?"_

_"Can you go get your brother and his friends for dinner?"_

_Sana nods and goes to the backyard to get Elias and his friends._

_"Elias! Dinner is ready."_

_Elias turns around to look at her, the basketball still in his hands._

_He opens his mouth to say something but then one of his friends grabs the ball from his hands and shoots it perfectly into the net._

_Sana really can't hide her smile at that. She's glad that Elias has friends to knock him down a peg or two._

_"Yousef! That's cheating!" Elias says, looking to all the other boys for confirmation._

_"You should've been paying attention." The dark haired boy shrugs._

_There's bickering between each teams and eventually Elias stops them all and turns back to Sana. Who stands leaning against the door frame looking somewhat amused._

_"Ok, ok that's enough. Sana will decide."_

_The boys all nod in agreement._

_"Sana?"_

_She purses her lips and narrows her eyes a little, pretending to think about it._

_"Sana, c'mon I'm your big brother."_

_She nods in acknowledgement._

_Then she turns around to go back inside, yelling behind her shoulder,"Legal"_

_She laughs a little at the complaints of her brother and the cheers from his friends._

_When they come in for dinner later Elias introduces her to all of his friends._

_"Sana this is Mikael, Mutta, Adam, Even and this cheater is Yousef." He says pointing to each boy._

_"You shouldn't get distracted" She says._

_"You're supposed to be on my side!" Elias complains._

_"But you're wrong." Sana states before going into the kitchen._

 

**Nine.**

 

_"Nine?" Sana asks skeptically._

_"Yes." Yousef says with a false tone of annoyance._

_"In the morning?" Sana presses._

_"Yes"_

_"That's too early." Sana complains._

_Despite popular belief Sana did like to sleep in a little but she always restricted herself to only sleeping later on the weekends._

_"No, it's not."_

_"But its the weekend."_

_"Sana, c'mon." Yousef says, taking her hand in his own._

_Sana rolls her eyes, "You get to sleep in everyday."_

_"That's not true, I work." Yousef argues._

_"But not that early."_

_"Sana, you wake up at seven during school days."_

_"So?" She counters._

_"What's the difference?" Yousef asks._

_Sana lets out a scoff,"That's during school."_

_"Please."_

_"Fine. What are we doing?"_

_"I told you its a surprise."_

_Sana rolls her eyes. "I'm getting up at nine and you can't even tell me where we're going."_

_"It's a surprise."_

_Sana gives him a glare, "It better be a good one." She mutters._

_Yousef beams at her, "You'll love it, I promise."_

_"We'll see."_

_"If you can get up that early."_

_"I deserve to sleep in!"_

_"You deserve everything."_

_Sana goes soft when she sees the look on his face. That gleam in his eyes as he looks at her._

_"Not as much as you." Sana says._

_"No-"_

_"You're both gross." Elias says, throwing a pillow at them._

_"You deserve it- No you deserve it." Elias says using odd voices to mock them._

_"Why am I even here?" Elias says, throwing his arms up._

_"I don't know, Elias. Why are you here?" Sana snaps at him._

_She can feel Yousef's laugh which makes everything even better.  
_

 

**Eight.  
**

 

_Eight is the number of times Yousef had gone over to hang out with Elias but ended up with Sana. Of course this happened all too often but it was on the eighth time that Elias had called Yousef out on it._

_"Yousef!"_

_Yousef looks at Elias who's standing in the doorway of the kitchen._

_"What?"_

_"How long have you been here for?"_

_"Like an hour?"_

_"We didn't even know you were here." Adam says from behind Elias._

_Then all the boys are there looking at Yousef with questioning looks and smirks._

_"We called you like 20 times." Mutta exclaims._

_Yousef takes his phone out of his pocket and looks at the screen,"Sorry."_

_But he doesn't look sorry at all. He looks at Sana who has a smirk on her face._

_Yousef opens his mouth but Elias stops him._

_"Whatever, It doesn't matter.We're supposed to be filming a video. Stop flirting with my sister. C'mon!"_

_"But-"_

_"Elias" Sana protests._

_"You guys can flirt and make eyes at each other after we finish filming."_

_Yousef hesitates for a second._

_"No! Let's go! Let's go!" Elias says, clapping with each word and pushing Yousef into the living room._

_The worst part is when they take a five minute break from filming that ends in all three of the other boys physically carrying Yousef away from Sana. Which Sana laughs way too much at.  
_

 

**Seven.  
**

 

_Seven glances. That's how many times she's looked over at him to see him already looking at her. Honestly, it was getting a little weird at this point. She thought that she had something on her face but after discreetly looking into her phone she saw nothing._

_What was his problem? Why was he looking at her so much?_

_She looks at him out of the corner of her eye, waiting until he finally becomes preoccupied with something that Mutta has said. Sana gets up from her spot in the kitchen and goes through the hallway to get to the living room._

_She watches as Mutta walks away and Yousef glances back over to where she was sitting at the kitchen table with a sort of disappointed expression._

_"We're going to play football." Elias announces._

_"Yeah give me a second." Yousef says obviously distracted._

_Yousef is the last one out the door._

_"You know, you have a staring problem." Sana says, leaning against the wall of the hallway._

_Yousef stops in his tracks and turns around with a part bewildered part bashful look._

_"Staring? I wasn't staring."_

_Sana almost wanted to laugh. It was no secret that she had a soft spot for Yousef, everyone knew it. It had been that way ever since Elias brought him home. Sana would instantly come to his defense when he was being teased. No one said anything about it, mostly due to the fact that before they could even think about saying something they would be on the receiving end of one of Sana's incredibly harsh glares. Those glares could make anyone stop in their tracks._

_"So you weren't staring when I was in the kitchen?" She explains._

_Yousef laughs nervously,"The kitchen? No."_

_Sana let out a short laugh,"Ok."_

_And then she turns back to go to her room._

_"Sana?"_

_She hates the fact that she loves how her name sound when he says it. She really, really hates how it makes her whole body feel so warm and makes her brain ignite._

_Yousef looks hesitant now,"The pink is beautiful." He gestures to her hijab._

_And there goes any attempt Sana had at staying cool._

_Her hand goes up to mess with the end of her hijab and she tries her hardest to suppress the face splitting smile that wants to shine through. Not to mention the fact that her face had turned the color of the pink lipstick she had on._

_"Thanks"_

_"Yousef!" She hears Elias yell out._

_Yousef turns to go outside but then quickly turns back to Sana. He looks hesitant and maybe even a bit confused._

_"Do you- do you want to hang out sometime?" He asks, looking at his shoes._

_Sana smiles brightly, her dimples on full display._

_"I'd love to."_

_"Ok"_

_"Ok"_

_"Bye"_

_"Bye"  
_

 

**Six.**

 

_"Six!" Sana exclaims._

_"No, twelve." Yousef argues._

_They're sitting on the couch. Yousef's arm is loosely wrapped around Sana's shoulder and Sana leans into him. Her head is lying on his shoulder._

_"If you think we're having twelve kids you're delusional." She says, fiddling with their hands that are currently in her lap._

_"Ok how about eleven?"_

_Sana narrows her eyes,"Yousef"_

_"Eight?" He asks hopefully._

_"Four."_

_"But you just said six!"_

_Sana gives him a look,"The offers gets lower and lower with each second, Acar."_

_Yousef's eyes soften,"I can't wait till your last name is Acar, too."_

_Sana shakes her head and rolls her eyes,"You're such a dork."_

_"Only for you."_

_Sana smiles._

_"As long as it's only for me." Sana says with a hint of a smile, as she tucks back a strand of his hair._

_He grabs her hand and places a kiss on the back of it, "Always."_

_The word comes out so softly that it gives Sana shivers. She can't imagine ever feeling this way about someone else. She knows that she'll never feel this way about anyone ever. Yousef is it for her._

_He pulls her into his chest and they just stay there for a while. Sana's head is against his chest, right next to his heart and in the silence she can just barely make out the beating. She thinks that she could stay here forever just listening to his heart beating because she loves him so much._

_"So six?" Yousef says optimistically._

_Sana angles her head awkwardly to see him,"If you're lucky."_

_Yousef shakes his head and laughs a little before placing a kiss on Sana's forehead._

_"I love you."_

_"I love you too."_

 

**Five.**

 

_"Did you know it's our fifth date?" Yousef asks._

_They're sitting down at the park surrounded by flowers and grass. They had a picnic but now they were just lying on the blanket looking at the clouds._

_"And what exactly makes the fifth date so important?"_

_"It means I know you aren't going to get rid of me."_

_Sana hums,"You never know."_

_Yousef fakes annoyance, "Don't even joke about that."_

_Sana smiles,"Unfortunately, I've grown quite an attachment to you."_

_Yousef mocks her,"Unfortunately."_

_"Ok, ok fortunately."_

_"That's better."_

_Sana hums in reply._

_Yousef reaches over and throws a grape at her, watching as it hits her in the ear._

_"Did you just throw a grape at me?"_

_"No"_

_Sana reaches into the basket and pulls out a handful of grapes. Not even hesitating to pelt Yousef with them._

_"Ow!" Yousef yelps as a grape hits him in the face._

_Sana laughs, "This is payback!"_

_"For what?"_

_"Everything dorky that you've ever done." Sana says, laughter keeping the last few words almost incomprehensible._

_"Thats a lot of things."_

_"You're telling me."_

 

**Four.**

 

_Four, the number of times she had to talk herself into telling Yousef that she liked him._

_It was something that she just couldn't do lightly. Lately it seemed like nothing was going to go in their favor. She wasn't even sure if they should try._

_But every single time that she saw him her heart was racing. She couldn't keep her eyes off of him, they were just naturally drawn to him. She couldn't shake the feelings that she had for him._

_Sana walks into the kitchen to get a drink. She's so engrossed in her thoughts that she doesn't hear the Elias and his friends yelling in the living room. She doesn't even feel Yousef's gaze on her which means that she's really distracted._

_She grabs a drink and turns around from the fridge with the glass in her hand._

_"Halla"_

_She jumps and the glass full of juice in her hand falls to the floor. She looks down at the broken glass and then up to Yousef with a sheepish look._

_"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." Yousef says quickly._

_Sana shakes her head,"It's fine."_

_Yousef looks at her and its always been this way. As soon as their eyes catch there's nothing else in the world, it's just them._

_Sana shakes her head a little, "Can you get the broom?"_

_She would get it but she's surrounded by glass and she doesn't want to get hurt._

_Yousef seems to snap out of it, "Yes, of course!"_

_He goes over to get the broom and helps Sana clean up the glass._

_Sana gets distracted again because of that one piece of hair that just keeps falling into his face. That one insanely beautiful piece of hair that she wants to tuck back but she can't._

_And then she cuts herself. She wasn't paying attention and went to pick up a sharp piece of glass._

_"Sana!"_

_She looks at him confused._

_"Huh?"_

_"You're bleeding!" He points to her hand._

_She looks down at her own hand,"Oh."_

_Before she can even blink Yousef has bascially dragged her to the sink and produced a bandage out of nowhere._

_"I'm fine. It's just a tiny cut." She assures him._

_He looks so attentive as he puts the bandage onto her finger. To make matters worse that damn strand of hair is still in his face. But he seems to feel her gaze and she quickly looks away, not wanting to be caught._

_"Sana?"_

_She blinks before looking back at him._

_"Sorry. Did that hurt?" He asks bashfully._

_"Huh? No."_

_Her brain goes through a thousand different scenarios as his eyes catch hers. What if he doesn't like her back? What happens then? But then she tells herself that this has gone on too long._

_This weird tip toe that they do around each other so she thinks "screw it"._

_Sana takes a deep breath,"I like you."_

_Yousef's eyes go wide with suprise,"You do?"_

_Sana nods,"Yeah."_

_She doesn't anticipate the large smile on his face or the way that he looks like he could do anything now._

_"I like you too. A lot." Yousef says through a beaming smile._

_Sana smiles back,"Cool."_

_"Great."  
_

 

**Three.  
**

 

_"Happy three month anniversary!" Yousef yells, enthusiastically._

_There's her favorite dish sitting on the table along with a bouquet of flowers. It's simple but perfect to her._

_Sana smiles at the sentiment but if she was being honest she thought three month anniversaries were kind of pointless. How was three months a milestone in a relationship?_

_"Yousef, three months is nothing." She says, the smile still aparent on her face._

_"I know that's what you think but I still wanted to do something special." He explains, pulling out a chair from the table._

_She shakes her head and doesn't even bother to suppress the increasingly large smile on her face. She goes to sit down in the chair and watches Yousef as he sits across from her._

_"Just being with you is special." Sana says off handedly._

_She doesn't miss the way he smiles and blushes slightly._

_"I thought I was supposed to be the cheesy one?"_

_"Well it's our three month anniversary I get to be a little cheesy." Sana replies with a smile that shows off her dimples fully.  
_

 

 **Two.**

 

_"It was only two points!" She exclaims._

_"Doesn't matter I still beat you." Yousef boasts._

_"You distracted me!"_

_"Sure."_

_Sana scoffs,"You cheated!"_

_"I still won."_

_"Whatever. It doesn't count."_

_Yousef wraps his arms around Sana's waist from the behind, stopping her from stomping away back into the house._

_"Yousef" Sana argues, although she leans into his chest._

_"Do you want to play again?"_

_Sana laughs at that, "No, I think I'll let you enjoy your victory for a little while longer."_

_Yousef smiles,"So you admit I won?"_

_Sana looks lovingly into his eyes,"I suppose."_

_Losing is worth seeing Yousef smile at her so brightly._

 

**One.**

 

_The very first time she told Yousef she loved him._

_They're walking home from their date, hands intertwined. They aren't saying anything, instead letting the comfortable silence waft over them. It's nice, it's sweet and it's comfortable. Sana thinks that she loves this. She could do this for the rest of her life. She wants to do this for the rest of her life._

_They stop underneath the street light in front of Sana's house. Yousef takes both of her hands into his own, slowly tangling their fingers together. Both of their smiles are wide, eyes soft as they gaze at each other._

_Sana smiles,"I had a great time tonight."_

_Yousef smiles back,"Me too."_

_"Especially the part where you almost tripped and fell." Sana laughs, recalling the memory from hours before._

_"You mean when you laughed so hard that you started coughing." Yousef counters._

_Sana lets out a short laugh,"Yeah that's exactly what I meant."_

_Sana wraps her arms around Yousef's neck and hugs him tightly. Her head rests right into his neck and she loves this feeling. She loves this feeling of being in his arms and just being near him because she loves him._

_She loves him._

_It's like he can somehow read her thoughts because his arms are tighter against her waist and she can feel his breath on her neck._

_"I love you." He whispers into her ear._

_Sana smiles against his neck,"I love you."  
_

**Zero.  
**

It's done. It's over. 

She sobs, sobs so much that her body rattles. Sobs so much that all she can see is black. She sobs until she can feel her shirt getting wet from her tears. Sobs until her eyes are puffy and red. She sobs until she can't physically sob anymore. Because that's how much it hurts. It hurts just as much as she loves him. 

She loves him so much that it consumes her. It's killing her to love him. 

It's official, he's cannot be her's anymore and he never will be. 

He's married. 

And he doesn't love her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed. Come cry with me on [tumblr](http://fvckinbitter.tumblr.com/)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna be honest this chapter isn't my favorite? But I think it's kinda important still??

Autumn is Sana's favorite season, especially in Oslo. She always got a two week break from school and came home to spend it with her family. Usually she enjoyed that break but now she was dreading it. Going back to Oslo seemed to be the very last thing that she wanted to do. It just held too many memories for her.

She didn't particularly want to go back to the city where everything went wrong. It was conflicting really because she wanted nothing more than to be in the company of her family she just didn't want to be in Oslo. 

Sana was wrecked. Crushed into a million tiny pieces. It had been almost two months since the worst day of her life. 

Two freaking months. Months of torture. Months of her telling herself that today would be the day she would move on. 

She hadn't even asked Elias how the wedding went. She sent him a copy of the message that she had sent Yousef as a last ditch effort. But couldn't even bring herself to ask if he had read it. Because what if he had and got married anyways? That would be even worse then she would know for certain that Yousef did not love her. It was better to believe that he never saw it. 

She had even thought that maybe, maybe, Yousef would read the message that he never got and end up on her doorstep like in those movies Vilde always forced her to watch. 

But to no avail.

She held out hope for too long, jumping up quickly whenever anyone knocked at her door or snapping up her phone with each ping. But all that did was lead to exhaustion, the hope that she clung onto made everything so much more difficult. It made letting go of him that much more unbearable.

So instead, shockingly, she threw herself into her school work. Imagine her surprise when she realized that her marks could actually go up. It wasn't all bad she had actually managed to make some friends at school. Now when she went to the library to study she didn't have to sit alone and she always had someone to go to coffee with her. It was nice.

But not even that could make Sana feel better. It was somehow even worse than before because there was nothing she could do. She was rendered completely helpless and her way of dealing with it was not working. 

Pushing down all of her feelings and emotions, pretending that she was okay, was only taking a bigger toll on her. 

Chris had come to pick her up at the airport because she knew that Sana wouldn't want to make a fuss. Sana talked to Chris the most out of the group since that one day, Chris was funny and she didn't push Sana to talk about anything. 

"How is everything?" 

Sana looks ahead and out the windshield, eyes casually going through the people walking across the street. 

"It's been alright." 

Chris nods, like she can tell that Sana doesn't really want to say more. It makes her feel grateful. 

"Can we hang out at yours?" Sana asks after a moment. 

She's just not ready to go home because she doesn't want to face them. She doesn't want to see that sad look on Elias' face, she doesn't want to see that sympathetic gleam in her mamma's eyes, and she doesn't want that reassuring hug from her papa. She doesn't want any of it. 

All she wants is for the life before Yousef. Why can't it all just go away? Why is it haunting her? Life before Yousef was good, not great but good. Surely, it beat life after Yousef.

"Yeah." Chris says, turning to go to her house instead. 

Chris seems hesitant to speak again,"Noora said that Elias told her that Yousef is here." 

Chris blurts out the words so quickly that Sana only catches parts of it. 

"Huh?" She asks, clearly confused. 

"Yousef is in Oslo." Chris says, eyes still on the road. 

Sana can't breathe. It's like all the air in the car is gone. Her hands fumble to roll down the window. And with each passing second her breathing gets more and more shallow. It's all just this blur, all the colors of the streets morph into one. She briefly hears Chris saying her name but it's all just noise.

"Sana?" It's muffled. 

Why is there no air? Her lungs are screaming at her and her face feels too warm. The air from the window barely makes it any better. It's all too warm and she feels as if she's suffocating in the car. 

Sana's door pulls open forcefully and she feels Chris' hands pull her out of her seat. Her hands are pressing into the pavement and her legs are folding beneath her. She's sitting on an empty sidewalk gasping for air. 

"Sana!" 

Chris rummages through the car and hands her a bottle of water. Sana doesn't even hesitate to chug it down.

"Fuck. You scared me, Sana!" Chris says, patting Sana on the back. 

"Sorry." Sana breathes out, taking a small sip from the water bottle. 

They sit there for a while as Sana processes the information that Chris has just told her. Yousef is here in Oslo. Did he live here now with his wife? Or are they just visiting? She really hopes it's the latter because if he lives here she's bound to see him at some point. 

"You can stay at mine tonight." Chris says. 

Sana almost sighs in relief, "Thanks." 

Sana can't go home now. For all she knows this is a ploy by Elias to get her to talk to Yousef. She loves her brother and believes that he has good intentions but she's just not ready. What she needs is time and space, that's it. 

Sana gets back on her feet slowly, taking Chris' offered hand to balance herself. She's still breathing a bit uneasy but nothing like before.

She smiles and pulls Chris into a hug. Sana wants to say thank you but she has a feeling that Chris already knows. It's one of Sana's favorite things about her. 

"Let's go get coffee. There's a place right down the street." Chris says, taking Sana's arm. 

Sana nods and walks with Chris, taking out her phone. 

**To Elias:**  
_Yousef's here?_

"We should sit outside." Chris says after they both get their coffee. 

"Okay." Sana nods. 

She can tell that Chris suggested this mostly for Sana's benefit. Like she's worried that she's going to have another incident. Sana's phone pings from where it sits on the table. 

**From Elias:**  
_Yeah_

She furrows her eyebrows. So Elias did know. Why was everyone keeping things from her? 

**To Elias:**  
_And you didn't think to tell me?_

**From Elias:**  
_You need to talk_

**To Elias:**  
_He's married_

"Are you okay?" 

Sana nods quickly and takes a big gulp of coffee. 

"I was thinking that we should invite Eva and Vilde over too?" Chris explains. 

**From Elias:**  
_Let him explain_

What would Yousef possibly have to explain to her? He got married to someone else, it's quite a simple concept to grasp. There's nothing to explain about that. Unless there actually was something to explain. Sana had gotten her hopes up so much these past few months that even this seemed like too much. It all seemed too good to be true and she wasn't going to be fooled.

"Sana?" 

"Huh? Oh sorry. Yeah you should invite them." She says, absentmindedly. 

**To Elias:**  
_He doesn't need to explain anything._

And that's that. There's absolutely nothing to explain and if there is she doesn't want to hear it. 

****

Sana doesn't go home for two full days and she's glad that Chris doesn't push her to leave. Instead, Eva and Vilde come over and they all have a weekend long sleepover. Unfortunately, Noora wasn't coming home for the autumn break. 

Sana opens the door just enough to stick her head through to check if anyone was there. Relief floods through her body as she realizes that no one is home. 

She throws open the door and pulls her suitcase inside after her. The door to her bedroom is slightly ajar but she pays no mind to it. 

"Hi." 

Sana jumps at the voice on her couch. 

"What are you doing?" Sana says when she sees Elias sprawled out on the couch in her room. 

"Waiting for you to come home." 

Sana furrows her eyebrows,"That's creepy." 

Elias shrugs,"You've been avoiding the house." 

Sana narrows her eyes at him,"I know you, Elias. I know what you're doing." 

He puts his hands out as if to plead his innocence,"What am I doing?" 

Sana glares at him, "Why didn't you tell me that Yousef is back?" 

Elias feigns innocence, "I didn't think it was important." 

"Liar." Sana says as she sets her suitcase down in the corner of her room. 

Elias opens his mouth to retort but Sana cuts him off with a sigh. 

"Look, I'm not ready. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him. I don't even want to talk about him, okay?" Sana says, plopping down onto her bed. 

"But-" 

"No." Sana says with a glare. 

She doesn't. Talking and thinking about Yousef was so tiring and she didn't want to do it anymore. When was it all going to be over? Why wouldn't it all just stop? Can she not just have a few minutes to figure it all out? 

Elias looks at her for a second,"Okay." 

"Thanks." 

"Who told you he was back?" Elias asks. 

She barely recalls the days before. Especially once Chris had told her that Yousef was back in Oslo but she does remember that Noora knew. Noora knew that she was coming home to Oslo and that Yousef would be there. Why wouldn't she tell Sana? 

Sana glares at him again, "Why do you talk to Noora?"

Elias looks surprised at the question and it makes Sana smirk a little. 

"I want to talk about Noora as much as you want to talk about Yousef." He says, letting out a breath at the end. 

Sana looks at him skeptically for a second but decides to drop it. Why do they have a thing for each other's best friends? 

They sit there for a second in the silence. 

"Wanna get a kebab?" Elias asks.

"Depends. Is it some sort of trap?" Sana's voice holds no venom, just comes across as tired.

Because tired is all that describes her these days. Tired, tired, tired. That's all she is. 

"No." 

"Swear it." 

"Wallah." 

****

Sana goes to play basketball early the next morning. She does this most mornings. It helps a lot. It brings her clarity, something that she doesn't get much of anymore. The only other way she gets this kind of clarity is through praying but today she also needs a distraction. There's no better distraction for her than basketball. 

Sana thought that Yousef getting married meant that her feelings would die down at little. She thought that because she knew he was taken for life that she would stop loving him. How she wished that was the case. Loving him was so exhausting and she wished that she could take the weight of that love right off of her heart. 

So far Elias hasn't surprised her with a visit from Yousef. In fact, he was respecting her wish of keeping the entire topic of Yousef off the table. 

Meanwhile, the thoughts still stayed drilled into her mind. She went to coffee with Vilde the other day, had seen a man wearing a snapback and basically dived under the table. She felt like she was just waiting for him to sneak up on her and it was driving her insane. 

She shoots from farther and farther each time making it into the basket. Until eventually she ends up somewhere near half court and misses. The ball knocks off the back board and goes flying off in some random direction. 

Sana doesn't even bother to go after it instead she lets out a huff. All she does is stand there, taking it all in. Letting everything go over again and again. 

She stops, preoccupied with her never ending thoughts. Eveything is just background music like it's not even there. It all means nothing to her. 

The wind ruffling the leaves from the trees, the bird chirping at each other, the soft hum of cars driving through the streets. There's so much going on.

But the thing that pulls her out of this haze is the sound of the ball bouncing on the pavement and the sight of it going perfectly into the basket from somewhere off to the left of her. 

Who could possibly be bothering her now? Had Elias followed her from home? Here to crash one of the few moments that she had to herself so far. She slowly turns around to face the person.

She blinks several times in disbelief.

Is this real? Or is it just like last time? Where she thought she heard Yousef? Does she even want this to be real? 

Is this real?

The more she looks at him the more she realizes that she can't find those discrepancies. Everything's different about him but it's still all so real.

It's all like when she left him. Right down to the perfect strand of hair that falls into his face. The beautiful brown eyes that she remembers looking into a thousand times. He looks breathtaking. 

It's real.

There he is. The one person she was trying her best to avoid. The one person that she simultaneously hated and love. The only person in the whole damn world for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this! Come talk to me on [tumblr](http://fvckinbitter.tumblr.com/)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recently I said that this was gonna be the last chapter but its not?? Honestly I've gone back and forth with how many chapters this is going to be because theres so many unanswered questions but it really won't exceed 10 chapters if that. Like im so indecisive

There's all these flashes.

They're blinding.

They're quick, triggered by just the sight of him. Memories that she tried her best to repress are suddenly going in and out of her brain. They're all different colors, bring up different feelings and emotions. They're memories that are better left in the past but dragged up subconsciously because she can't really forget anything surrounding Yousef. That would make everything too easy for her.

Looking at him takes her breath away. She's almost certain that she'll never breathe again. He still has the same floppy hair that she loved to run her fingers through. The same bright brown eyes that lit up her entire existence. He still has that beautiful, slightly crooked smile that she dreams of. 

That's how she knows it's real. 

Once it's real, once she knows for certain that this isn't just her mind playing tricks on her she doesn't blink. Or at least it doesn't feel like she does. 

Her feet stay firmly planted on the ground and she looks at him with a combination of scrutiny, surprise and wonder. 

What is he doing here? Did he know that she was going to be here? Or did he come to this spot just as often as she did? 

"Hi." Yousef says. 

It's real.

It's so real. 

Just that one word. That one stupid, meaningless word has Sana wishing that he would just talk and talk so that she could hear his voice more. His voice is the best sound in the entire word to her and hearing it now only makes her realize how much she truly missed it. Not hearing a single thing from him for the past years has starved her.

She doesn't say anything, only purses her lips and gives him a typical Sana look. 

If she tries to say something it won't go along well. She'll end up blurting out how much she loves and misses him. No, it's much better to revert back to her cold, more emotionless state. 

_He's married._

All this anxiety that she had surrounding him is just building up and she doesn't understand it. How can she possibly feel calm but anxious at the same time? Being around him made her calm despite all her other contradicting feelings. 

"Sana." He says. 

She just about dies. Her name falling from his lips is a luxury that she never thought she would get anymore. She figured it would be stuck in the past forever. 

She blinks, and takes a breath. She can feel these tears welling up in her eyes. It's all just overwhelming. So she looks away from him, instead going to pick up the ball from where it lay on the ground. 

Sana takes this time to compose herself, to mentally tell herself to get it together. To take a deep breath and remember that she's going to be fine. Chanting in her mind that she was fine, that it was okay.

"How are you?" He asks. 

Sana shrugs and tries to look nonchalant. She tries too hard to look like she isn't phased by anything that has happened. She hopes that Yousef doesn't catch on to her act. 

"Good." She says as she shoots the ball into the basket.

She's lucky that it goes in because everyone knew that she couldn't play when she was overwhelmed or preoccupied with feelings and thoughts. But these past months had changed that. She could play basketball well enough regardless of what she was feeling.

"That's good." He says. 

She knows that he's pushing back his hair nervously, doesn't even have to look at him to know. Not that she wants to look at him. Looking at him would be her downfall, every last thing that she wanted to say to him would just spill from her mouth.

Every last apology. Every excuse. Every analysis of her own emotions and subconscious that she's been thinking of for the past two years. It would all so easily be confessed once she caught his eyes. 

She goes to get the ball again. This time throwing it in his direction for him to catch. He doesn't though instead the ball knocks against his chest and bounces down to the pavement. 

"Bad reflexes?" Sana says, unable to stop herself. 

She doesn't even know why she says it because that memory is yet another of many that she's tried to forget. 

She watches as he picks up the ball, as he moves it from one hand to another. Looking at her with this heated gaze. It's all too familiar and she pushes back all the feelings that arise. Her lips pursed so that she doesn't say the wrong thing. 

"What did you say?" He says, taking a few steps forwards. 

They're both living in a memory now. It's easier to live this way. In the past where everything was good. 

"Bad reflexes." She says, nothing short of a smug look on her face. 

He moves to shoot the ball and she moves to block it. Just like that they've gone back two years to when they would play basketball at her house. 

It's like old times where they settle everything with a basketball game. Where Sana wins and Yousef cheats by distracting her. 

They play for a while, long enough for the sun to be overhead now. Sana's breath hitches anytime that Yousef gets within a foot of her and Yousef lets out a smile whenever Sana scores. It's almost like nothing has changed. 

The only thing that's missing is those times during the game where Yousef would wrap his arms around Sana's waist in an attempt to stop her from scoring. Those moments where she would complain and he would laugh and tell her that he loved her so casually it made her heart hurt. She misses that. 

And this? 

This feels like a cheap replacement. It feels like being a fingertip away from what she wants only to be shoved to the ground. It feels like they're trying to force it. It feels artificial and too much like a excuse. She wants the real thing but it's nowhere to be found. 

_He's married._

So Sana grabs the ball and holds it against her side. She can't do this anymore. The pretending, the repressing, it's all so exhausting. So tiring and done. 

"I've got to go." She says, already starting off in the direction of her house. 

She needs to think, needs to be alone. She has to process all of this. Right now all she wants to do is sprawl out across her bed and cry. She just wants to cry. 

He stands there for a second before he's scrambling after her, "Sana! Wait!" 

She doesn't look back but listens closely as his footsteps get closer and closer to her. Her eyes close for a fraction of a second, she's trying to let everything process. Trying to let her brain catch up with her emotions. 

She lets out a huff of annoyance, "What do you want?" 

Yousef holds out his hands and she thinks that in her peripheral vision she sees him almost reach for her own hands at her side. 

Only then does she think about how much she misses the feeling of holding his hand. The fact that he would always, without a fail, take her hand. It didn't matter what they were doing. He would take her hand in his own and only let go when necessary. 

"I just want to talk to you." 

"Then talk." Sana says. 

What is there to talk about? There's nothing left to talk about. 

_He's married._

"Can we just go get coffee and talk or something?" He asks. 

Sana can't even meet his eyes. She knows that if she does she'll never recover. If she looks him in the eyes she'll be a goner. 

She shakes her head,"I've got to meet up with the girls soon." 

It's not true but she just needs an excuse. She just needs to go back home. 

"You still talk to them?"

"Of course I still talk to them." 

Yousef shakes his head, "No, that's- I meant that-" 

"Look, Can we do this later?" Sana interrupts him. 

By now she's a few feet away from him and overtly aware that she's basically stomping away from him. 

They're only a block or so away from her house and Sana is so glad. 

He lets out a huff, "When is later, Sana?" 

She shakes her head as if that somehow answers his question. 

"Can you just look at me, Sana!" He says, running his hands through his hair in pure frustration. 

Her eyes snap up to meet his own and all she does is regret it. She doesn't want to look at him because now she'll never be able to tear her eyes away from him. Not from that gaze. 

"I just want to talk."

It makes her angry. Furious, maybe, because there's nothing to talk about. She left him and he moved on. There's nothing to apologize about, nothing to resolve. She wrote him a message about everything she felt and he never said anything. He moved on and it's all her fault. 

All she wants is to be left alone. 

_He's married._

She takes a deep breath and lets the anger get the best of her, "What do you want to talk about? Do you want to talk about how I fucked up? Do you want to talk about the fact that I'm so insecure I pushed you away? About the fact that I sent you a message that you mysteriously never got? Or about the fact that you didn't even wait a month before you moved on? About how you're fucking married? Do you want to talk about that? Yeah, let's talk. Did you ever even love me? I mean-" 

"Sana, I-" 

"No! I don't want to talk. I'm not ready to talk. All I want is for you to leave me alone. Is that so hard to do? Just leave me alone." She pleads. 

Because all this anxiety has fought its way back to the surface and its mixed with her anger and frustration. Add all of this with the adrenaline rushing through her body and its created an unhealthy mixture.

"Ok, I'll leave you alone." He says with a look of resignation. 

And she watches as he walks down the street. She watches his figure until she can't see him anymore, until he's nothing but another face in the crowd. Maybe it's there that she really breaks. It's there that all she wants to do is crumble up and lie there. It's there that it hurts so much that she wants to die.

****

**To Jamilla:**  
_Can we talk? I need advice._

It takes Sana a full thirty minutes of typing and deleting to come up with that text. Usually she would text one of the girls but Jamilla was the one she felt would give her the best advice. She never held anything back, always told Sana the truth, no matter how harsh it might be. 

**From Jamilla:**  
_Yeah. I can come over now_

**To Jamilla:**  
_Ok thanks_

Sana just has so much to think about. Her feelings towards Yousef were so conflicting and confusing. Often times different feelings contradicting one another sending her into an abyss of thoughts that she never asked for. 

Sana paces back and forth in her room until she hears the doorbell ring. Then she rushed to open it. 

"Halla" Sana says, pulling open the door to let Jamilla in. 

"Hi" 

"Thanks for coming over so quickly" Sana says, closing the front door behind her. 

Jamilla nods and gives Sana a smile,"Of course. What's up?" 

Sana motions to the kitchen,"Do you want some tea?" 

"Sure." 

Sana fumbles around in the kitchen for a few minutes before she sets the mug down in front of Jamilla and sits across from her. 

Sana's hands are clasped around her own mug despite the overbearing heat the cup radiates. She seems at a loss for words. There is no easy way to bring up the subject of her lost love getting married. 

It's like Jamilla can sense this because the next words she says completely startle Sana. 

"So how is Yousef?" Jamilla says with a smirk on her face. 

It's like she knows something that not even Sana knows. Somehow Jamilla knows that whatever advice she's asked for is about Yousef. 

"What? I-"

Jamilla quickly interrupts Sana, "I heard he got married?" 

It's a wonder how Jamilla can say something like that so casually. As if it wasn't even a problem at all. The exact opposite of how Sana felt about it. 

Sana nods,"Yes, he did." 

Jamilla just nods and takes a gulp of tea. 

Sana hesitates before sharing, "I saw him, earlier today." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah." Sana says quietly, her 

"What did he want?" Jamilla inquires. 

Sana lets out a huff, "He said that he wanted to talk." 

"Okay." Jamilla says, prompting Sana to go on. 

"But I didn't want to talk to him." 

Jamilla looks confused, "Why not?" 

"It's just too much. I- it's- I- " 

Sana stutters through the sentence. Her true feelings making her unable to finish. It's 

"You still love him." 

It must be that obvious. Anyone who had seen them together before they broke up could easily tell how in love they were. Their love for one another had always been so blatant. 

Sana's eyes fall to the tea in her mug, "I do." 

"But he's married." Sana adds after a few seconds. 

"You should tell him."

Sana's eyes snap up to meet Jamilla's. Her gaze is soft and caring which normally would've made Sana smile. It surprises her a bit, the fact that Jamilla would tell her to declare her love for Yousef when he's married. 

"But he's married!" She exclaims. 

"He obviously has to talk to you about something." 

"Probably the message I sent him." Sana mutters.

Jamilla looks interested in that, "Message?" 

Sana nods,"I sent him a message a few months before he got married." 

"And?" Jamilla asks.

"He never replied and when Elias asked him about it he said he never got it. So I sent it to Elias so that Yousef could read it but I don't actually know if he did." Sana explains. 

"Did you ask Elias?" 

"No." 

Jamilla looks at her like she's crazy, "Why not?" 

"What if he did read it and got married anyways?" 

That would absolutely kill her. 

"You should ask Elias." 

Sana nods,"I know." 

Jamilla sighs, "Take your time before you talk to Yousef. Obviously there's some stuff you have to work through before you do." 

Sana stays silent at that. 

The conversation has definitely cleared her head and it's nice to talk to someone about everything that's been bothering her. She still has so much to think about.

****

He shows up at door the next week. She knows that Elias probably set it up because no one is home and Sana doesn't have plans meaning that there would be no interruptions. 

This time she's the one to talk first. Plastering on a smile so expertly as she greets him and opens the door for him to come in. She even goes as far as to ask if he wants tea, noting his surprise when she asks. 

This time will be different. Her emotions, her heartbreak, will not get in the way of this conversation now. 

She passes the mug to him as they both sit across from one another in the living room. 

"How are you?" He asks. 

She smiles politely," I'm good. I've been a bit busy with school." 

It's not a lie really, more of a truth laced with a tiny bit of a lie. School had been keeping her busy but in her opinion not busy enough. It's the part where she says that she's good that's the lie. 

She is not good. 

She is the exact, polar opposite of good. It's as if Sana's heart has been dragged around the city leaving it in tatters. She is not good, she is not fine, she is not okay. 

But she'd be damned if she was going to show that. 

_He's married._

"Elias showed me the message." 

Sana nods, unable to say anything. How do you reply to that? A casual 'oh great and you got married anyways?' What was the procedure for things like that? 

"Do bluebells really mean that?" 

Sana can't help the glare that she throws his way. That's all he got out of that whole thing? 

She rolls her eyes,"Yes, among other things." 

"I still love you." 

_He's married._

These words should make her feel so much better. They should get rid of all the pain. Those four little words should mend her crushed tiny pieced heart right up. Honestly? 

She feels worse. She feels livid, unbelievably angry because he's married! He's married to someone and he has the nerve to tell Sana that he still loves her?

"You're married!" She exclaims.

Decades could go by and she would still feel the same way about him. She knows with absolute and unwavering certainty that she will always without a doubt love Yousef Acar. It's a non-negotiable. 

"N-" He starts but Sana cuts him off. 

This conversation is quickly turning into her worst nightmare. She just wants him to leave, wants to be left alone. She thought she could do this but she can't. 

She just isn't strong enough to go through this. Her heart has already been through so much and it needs to heal. She needs time to heal and conversations like this one only make it that much worse. 

Sana closes her eyes,"I'm sorry. I don't think this was a good idea. I need more time. I think you need to leave." 

He nods and she's glad that he doesn't look as sad as he did last time she asked for space. 

She walks him to the door, eyes catching his when he turns around to look at her. 

He pauses and Sana recognizes that look. It's the look he makes when he hesitates, he's unsure of what to say or do. 

He lets out a breath, "I didn't get married."

And then he gives her a look so full of hope and all she does is close the door. 

_He isn't married._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there is a tiny glimpse of hope. I hope you guys enjoyed this!!! Come talk to me on [tumblr](http://fvckinbitter.tumblr.com/)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of different feeling about this chapter like im still not sure how I feel about it??? Hopefully this chapter clears up most of the questions....

_Breathe in._

_Breathe out._

_Breathe in._

_Breathe out._

Her hands move across her face as she recites a prayer. Clarity. Its all a bit less hazy, less overwhelming.

Yousef. 

It's all she's thought about. 

He isn't married. 

He didn't get married.

But he didn't tell her. Was it even because of her? Why hadn't he told her? Especially after two months had passed. There was so many unanswered questions. It felt like everyone around her knew everything that she didn't. What was going on?

He still loves her and she definitely still loves him, so why is it all so complicated? Why does she keep over thinking everything? What is keeping her from jumping into his arms? 

_Sensibility._

The fact that things could just as quickly go wrong like before. Despite her constant reassuring herself that it would never be repeated the thought lingered. 

Would it ever really end? 

With a sigh, Sana sits on her bed. She grabs her phone from where it lays. 

**To Noora:**  
_Can we talk?_

Sana needs to know why Noora decided not to tell her that Yousef was in Oslo. It's weird that Noora knows so much but hasn't told Sana anything. 

It doesn't even take a full five minutes for Noora to call her. 

"Halla." Sana answers. 

"Halla. What did you want to talk about?" Noora's voice is full of happiness, like she's completely unaware of any wrong doing on her part.

Sana pauses, "Why didn't you tell me Yousef was in Oslo?" 

Her voice doesn't come across as accusatory despite how much she wants it to. At this point she can't be mad anymore, instead her anger is replaced with curiosity. Why was one of her closest friends keeping things from her? 

Noora sighs, "You needed to work things out." 

Add another tally to the list of people that had told Sana that. She was going to talk to him. She just needed to gather her thoughts and not go into it hot-headed. 

"Did you know that he didn't get married?" Sana asks, frustration coming through her voice. 

"He didn't get married?" Noora almost yells into the phone. 

That answers that question. At least Noora hadn't kept something as big as that from Sana. Apparently only her brother was the one that could do that. 

"No, he didn't." Sana almost whispers. 

Noora pauses for a second as if taking all the information in. Sana can still hear her breath on the phone. 

"What are you waiting for?" Noora asks. 

Sana hesitates, "I don't really know." 

Noora doesn't say anything in reply and Sana is quick to change the subject. 

"What's going on with you and my brother?" Sana asks instead in an attempt to distract from the topic of Yousef. 

"What? Nothing!" Noora snaps out quickly. 

Sana can only imagine Noora's face right now, probably all red and flustered as she fiddled her hands together. Sana easily recognizes that tone. It's the one she uses whenever someone would ask her about Yousef. 

"Noora, he's my brother." 

She hears Noora huff, "I know." 

"I'm sorry. I should've told you Yousef was in Oslo." Noora says. 

"Yeah you should've." Sana says with an edge. 

Noora lets out a laugh, "Even though technically you're better off for it." 

"I haven't even properly talked to him." Sana explains, voice soft.

"Sana Bakkoush! What are you waiting for? Him to almost get married again?" Noora asks. 

Sana doesn't say anything. 

What is she waiting for? Why doesn't she talk to him? What is she scared of? 

The past. 

It seems that every single time that she talks herself into it there's something that reiterates it. Her inability to make up her mind, to make a decision without going back to over analyze it. 

"Halla? You still there." Noora asks. 

Sana shakes her head as if it would somehow get rid of the prevailing thoughts. 

"Yeah." 

"Please just talk to him, Sana. You've been miserable ever since you broke up." Noora explains.

"I know I have to talk to him." Sana mutters like a child being scolded. 

"Then do it!" Noora yells. 

Sana pauses, "You know that you can't avoid the question of what's going on between you and my brother." 

"I'll avoid it as long as you avoid Yousef." Noora counters. 

Sana narrows her eyes on instinct despite the fact that Noora can't see her. 

"We're going to be okay." Noora says. 

Sana smiles, "Yeah we are." 

And they were going to be. As long as they stuck together they would be alright. 

****

She stands in the middle of her room, couldn't even bring herself to pace back and forth nervously. It was like she was so beyond nervous that she was now calm. Anxiety quickly being traded out for serenity like the calm before the storm. 

_I still love you._

Those words that she could only dream of. All she ever really wanted to hear since she made that terrible decision two years ago.

Sana thought that maybe hearing that would bring her some sort of clarity. Thought that maybe everything would fall into place and she'd be given these answers that she had searching for. Yeah, right. 

It was all even more confusing. She loved him and he loved her but she's still so confused and conflicted. She knows that the only way to end the confusion is by talking to him but she needs the rest of the answers before that. 

She sends a quick text to the girls asking if they wanted to meet up to which they respond with yes'.

They all meet to get ice cream and sit at a table outside the shop. 

"Sana, how's Yousef?" Vilde asks while the other girls lean in eagerly to hear her answer. 

Sana shrugs, "I'm not sure." 

"You haven't talked to him?" Eva says. 

Sana shakes her head in reply. Her eyes falling to the ice cream in her cup as she eats another spoonful. 

"Why not?" Chris asks, spoon hanging out of her mouth. 

"I haven't had the time." Sana lies. 

She's had all the time in the world to talk to him. If she had spent even a fraction of the time she uses to think about him to actively talk to him then they wouldn't be in this mess. 

"You could talk to him right now. Here I'll message him." Vilde says pulling out her phone. 

"No!" Sana yells, reaching over the table to steal Vilde's phone. 

The girls all give her knowing looks. 

She's been set up. They're all just trying to push her to talk about Yousef. Once again she gets this feeling that they know more than she does and she hates that. 

"I just need to find the right time." Sana explains too calmly, handing Vilde her phone back.

It's true. She just needs to find the right time and that's not right now. Right now she's on edge, she's too confused. There's way too many unanswered questions right now and she thinks maybe talking to her seemingly knowing friends will help her. 

"I don't think there is a right time, you just have to talk him." Eva says. 

Sana agrees with this. She knows that her excuses were becoming more and more invalid with every passing minute. 

She was just scared. 

Scared and insecure. Who's to say that she won't just up and run again? She promised herself that she would never do that to Yousef again but sometimes even she didn't believe that. 

"You're over thinking it." Chris says, bringing Sana right out of her tangent of thoughts.

Sana gives her a smile, "I probably am." 

She definitely is but it was better than the opposition. Thinking far too little before jumping into something would be even worse. 

"You love him, right?" Vilde asks. 

Sana nods, a smile making its way onto her face. 

"Shouldn't that be enough?" 

"But what if it isn't?" Sana has to ask. 

There's so much that could go wrong, so much that already went wrong. It would kill her to lose him again. You can't lose what you don't have so maybe it would be better if they stayed apart. 

Vilde just gives her a smile, "It will be. I'm sure of it." 

There's something reassuring about that. Vilde being so sure of Sana and Yousef's relationship, of their love. 

Sana takes a bite of her ice cream, "Okay. I'll talk to him." 

She will. She had to. Just needs to do it before her brain makes up some other absurd reason why she can't allow herself to be with him. 

 

****

Sana pulls open the front door and pushes off her shoes. Slings her bag off of her shoulder and hangs it up alongside her coat. 

Sana can hear music coming from the living room and walks in to see Elias sitting on the couch.

"Halla." She says, making her way past him into the kitchen. 

She hears the music pause. Then Elias' footsteps coming into the kitchen. 

"You saw Yousef?" He looks surprised. 

"Yeah. Didn't you set that up?" She asks him casually. 

"No." 

"He just happened to show up at the basketball courts?" Sana asks. 

It obvious that she's challenging him, trying to get her brother to reveal the truth. 

"Apparently." 

Sana narrows her eyes at Elias while he just smiles back at her. It would be more annoying if he could lie well but he just stands in front of her grinning like a maniac. 

A silence falls upon them but its not a good kind of silence. This one is strained like neither of them knows what to say to one another. 

They're at a stand still. 

"Why didn't you tell me that Yousef didn't get married?" Sana blurts out after finally having too much of the awkward silence. 

"It's not like you would've listened anyways." Elias shrugs off. 

It's probably true. She didn't listen to anyone once she had made up her mind. It led to quite a few misconceptions and more than a handful of self-created problems. 

Sana gives him a look, "That's not good enough."

Elias knew how Sana felt about Yousef, he had to. Sana hadn't exactly hid how torn up she was about Yousef's almost wedding very well. She had isolated herself, stopped eating, and hadn't left the house much. 

Elias knew how much she loved Yousef so why did he hide something so major from her. 

"I didn't think that you wanted to see him." Elias explains. 

If it doesn't just make Sana even more confused.

Sana furrows her eyebrows, "Why?"

"You left. Every single time something happened with him you would leave. Just last week you made me swear that I wasn't trying to reunite you both. If you wanted to see him you would've done it, Sana." Elias says. 

It makes sense. Sana's actions hadn't made it seem like she wanted to see Yousef at all. She had ran, distanced herself, on numerous occasions. It was true. Sana knew that if she really wanted to see Yousef she would've been there. 

She would've flew straight to Turkey and crashed his wedding if she wanted to. But she didn't. Couldnt. 

Sana's thoughts keep her occupied for a minute, meaning that the silence falls between them once again. 

"What actually happened in Turkey?" Sana says exasperated. 

It's all so secretive. There's nothing and somehow everything to be explained.

"That is for Yousef to tell you." 

Sana rolls her eyes again, "Of course it is." 

Because it would be way too easy for her to just get her answers right now. It could never be that easy. 

Elias looks at her encouragingly, "Just talk to him." 

Sana narrows her eyes at her brother and then leaves him leaning against the counter in the kitchen. 

The music comes back on right as she's about to close the door to her bedroom. It's a song that she's all too familiar with. The song that made her realize how much she wanted Yousef. 

_Tell me what you really like  
Baby, I can take my time_

She remembers how she felt that afternoon. How it felt to let someone in, to actually allow herself to have feelings for Yousef. 

_You've been scared of love and what it did to you  
You don't have to run, I know what you've been through_

It was scary and unpredictable but it was the best decision that she had ever made. 

_Just a simple touch and it can set you free  
We don't have to rush when you're alone with me_

So she pulls her phone out of her pocket and does the one thing she had been holding out on for so long. 

**To Yousef:**  
_I'm ready to talk._

**** 

_Fear._

_Doubt._

_Resilience._

It's all there, manifesting itself inside Sana's brain. She wants to get up, to pace back and forth like she would if she was in her bedroom. 

She wants to do anything that will calm her nerves that came back to waves. Instead she fiddles with her phone, moving it back and forth between her hands. Anyone could tell that it's a nervous habit. 

She was waiting. Truth be told she had gotten here maybe an hour early. She hadn't planned it this way but her mind had somehow built it up to believe that it might take her an hour to get to the waterfront. Once she had convinced herself that, everything else had gone out the door. 

Now she was sitting there fiddling with her phone and staring at the water in front of her. 

She knows exactly why she picked this place. After hearing that song she knew that this was the only place fitting enough. The place where they finally admitted their feelings. Where they had their first date. 

The place of a million and one memories, this was just another to add on to it. 

"Halla." 

Sana's head snaps up to look at him. He stands only a few feet away from her. 

Sana smiles at him, "Halla" 

He just stays standing where he is and Sana stays sitting. They do that thing again, the one where they meet eyes and everything else fades. Except this time it's not an act of affection, it's more an act of wonder. It's morphed into this look where they both try to figure each other out. 

"Do you want to sit?" Sana says, motioning to the empty spot beside her. 

He looks hesitant, as if just being around her is something of a danger but he sits next to her nonetheless. 

"I'm glad you messaged me." Yousef says after a while. 

Sana nods, "Me too." 

"I guess I should explain." Yousef says bashfully, running his hands through his hair. 

It's a habit of his that Sana loves. 

"After you left I decided to move to Turkey. My grandmother wasn't doing too well so I went out to help her." Yousef explains.

"It just seemed easier. Everything here just reminded me of you." He pauses. 

"I met Emine a week after I moved. Her parents lived next door and she helped my grandmother a lot." 

His fiance. He's talking about his fiance. 

"She was nice enough. A good friend, she was there for me after we broke up. She helped me heal, I guess." 

Sana nods. She wants to pretend that hearing about his fiancée isn't killing her but it is. It hurts so much that he could find someone else. 

"I think it was more of my grandmother that loved us together. I remember she grabbed my hand on one of her bad days and said that I should chose Emine, that she would be good for me." 

"So I did. But it was the same. It was still like we were still just friends. I think that we were both just doing what are families thought was best." 

Sana nods but he doesn't continue. He stops there like that's all there is to the story. Then she looks over at him and she realizes that he had to stop. That he looks so incredibly sad as he looks out to the water. 

"A week after I proposed my grandmother died." 

All of Sana's questions fly out of her mind. 

"I'm so sorry." 

Yousef doesn't look at her but she thinks his gaze on the water softens a little. 

"After that it was like I had to marry Emine. Grandmother loved her so much. She left the house to her actually, to both of us. I guess she always assumed Emine and I would be together." 

The way Yousef talked about Emine should've made Sana angry but all she wanted to do was meet her. She wanted to thank her for being there. She wanted to thank the other girl for doing everything that she didn't during those two years. 

"She helped me a lot during those months. It was hard. She kept asking if I wanted to postpone the wedding but every single time I said no, I thought it was what my grandmother would've wanted." 

Sana nods. 

"I never thought about what I wanted or even about what Emine wanted. I think we both were doing it for my grandmother." Yousef stops. 

"She was my best friend, always looked out for me. I doubt I would've lasted if it wasn't for her."

Sana knows that he has nothing left to say because she knows the rest. She knows about how they hadn't gotten married and, now, she knew about how they had met. 

There's still hundreds of questions roaming through her head but one really stands out and she hesitates before asking. Her brain and her heart battling it out. Her heart wins out in the end. 

"What happened to the message I sent you? Why didn't you get it?" Sana asks calmly. 

Yousef takes a deep breath, "That's one of the reasons I didn't get married." 

Sana looks confused but doesn't say anything. 

"Emine deleted it before I could see it." 

Why? Why had Emine deleted it? It seemed like from his explanation that they were nothing but friends. 

Sana doesn't say anything instead her gaze falls to her feet. 

She feels guilty because he left his fiancée, left her right there only hours before they were supposed to be married. It seemed no matter which way they turned someone's heart was broken. 

"Why?" Sana asks softly. 

"She didn't want me to get hurt again. She knew how much you hurt me the first time." 

She hurt him that much. Sana hurt him enough to make Emine want to protect him from her. Sana had treated him so awfully. 

She imagines how much Emine had to have loved him to hide Sana's message from him. How much she must have cared for him to try to protect him like that.

"So you just broke it off?" Sana asks with a barely noticeable edge in her voice. 

"No. When I asked her about it she told me the truth and said that I should go. She said that she knew I had to go after you and that it was okay." Yousef says, his eyes are closed like he's remembering every second of that day. 

It's even worse because Emine wasn't terrible. It's always so much easier to turn someone into a villian when they do something wrong rather than accept that they're a good person who made a bad choice. 

Yes, it was wrong that Emine hid the message from him but she had done it out of the best of intentions. Sana knows, for a fact, just how much that takes. 

"So you just left her?" Sana asks. 

"I didn't know what to do." Yousef explains, he stares ahead of himself. 

Sana looks at him softly as this look of panic and worry washes over his face. He's more broken up about leaving her than he initially let on. 

"She assured me that it was okay." Yousef lets out a bitter laugh, "She even offered to drive me to the airport." 

"Why didn't you come see me then?" Sana's voice is barely audible. 

It takes so much for her to say those words. Letting herself, or her feelings, be so vulnerable is difficult but she's trying. 

"I was confused." He pauses, "I had two great women but-" Yousef stops. 

It just about drives Sana crazy that he stops before he finishes his sentence. 

"But?" Sana asks impatiently. 

"I didn't love her. Not the way I love you. We both knew that we were just friends." Yousef explains. 

And as Sana meets his eyes she sees it. She sees that gleam, that beautiful light in his eyes. 

It's nothing like picking up where they left off. As Sana takes Yousef's hand in her own she knows that this is the beginning. The beginning of something even more beautiful than the last and all doubts are nothing but a distant memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to write Yousef's fiancée as this terrible person but the more I wrote the more I was nope she's an angel. I hope you guys enjoyed! Come talk to me on [tumblr](http://fvckinbitter.tumblr.com/)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this took forever but I just couldn't get this chapter right. I've written like 10 different endings and I hated them all honestly I had such a hard time with this chapter. This also might seem sort of choppy but I kind of intended it to be that way? Like glimpses i guess. Its not that great tbh but I know that if I waited any longer I never would've finished it.

It's the day before Sana has to go back to school, before she has to leave Yousef again. The very last thing that she wants to do. Sana lets out a breath that she wasn't even aware she was holding.

She won't make the same mistake twice. She can have both her career and the love of her life. She has worked through everything, sorted out all her insecurities. But most importantly she knows how tiring her life without Yousef is. 

Sana folds her clothes and tries her best to stuff them into the already full suitcase, moving around several pairs of pants to fit a few more shirts. It's a wonder how she got all this stuff into the suitcase the first time. 

Her phone dings. 

**From Vilde:**  
_You're coming over right?_

**To Vilde:**  
_Yeah I'll be there as soon as I finish packing_

Sana was going to meet up with the girls one last time before she had to go back to school. She wouldn't have a break for the entire semester, spring was always tough. 

Going back to school after this autumn break was proving harder than she had originally planned. Everything she had was here. Her friends, family, boyfriend. But the school she attended was one of the best in europe for medicine. It was also something that she didn't want to turn down. 

Sana finishes folding all of her clothes, trying her best to zip up the overly full suitcase to no avail. She tries to push everything down but it stilll doesn't close. With a huff she walks over to her bedroom door, throwing it open. 

"Elias!" Sana calls into the hallway. 

"What!" He replies. 

"Can you come help me?" 

She hears a semi-dramatic sigh, followed by some shuffling. Her brother comes into the room a few seconds later. 

"What's up?" 

"Can you sit on my suitcase?" Sana asks, motioning to the overflowing suitcase that she had struggled to zip closed. 

"Why don't you just leave some stuff behind?"

"I'm already leaving enough behind. Just sit on the suitcase." 

Sana doesn't really mean the clothes when she says that she's leaving things behind and she thinks that Elias picks up on this. 

She could live without a few of the shirts in the suitcase but there was definitely things, or people, in Oslo that Sana couldn't exactly live without. 

Elias lets out a huff but sits on the suitcase. Sana zips the suitcase closed with a few tugs on the zipper.

"Are you going to see Yousef?"

"I'm hanging out with the girls today but he's taking me to the airport tomorrow." Sana replies, taking the suitcase off of her bed and setting it onto the ground. 

"The girls?" Elias asks. 

Sana doesn't miss the hope on his face as he asks. She doesn't know exactly what's going on between him and Noora but who is she to discourage them? 

"Noora's still at school." Sana informs him. 

Sana looks at the time on her phone, "I've got to go."

But then she stops. 

"You both just need to talk. Trust me, it does wonders." 

It's funny to think that she's the one giving advice now. Especially seeing how up to a few days ago she was a complete mess. But now everything was put togther. She had Yousef back. 

Elias nods.

"Bye." Sana says, slinging her bag over her shoulder. 

"Bye."

****

Sana doesn't even get the chance to ring the doorbell before the door is being swung open and Vilde pulls her into a hug. They never really got to spend that much time together anymore, save for the short breaks they got from school. 

"Sana!" Vilde yells. 

The other girls greet her, all giving her hugs as they do. 

When Sana pulls away from her hug with Chris she sees her Noora hanging back in the living room. 

"Noora?" Sana asks as if she isn't actually sure the blonde is there. 

"Surprise!" 

Sana walks closer to Noora to give her a hug, "I thought you were at school?" 

"I had a break. I had to come visit you before you left." 

Sana smirks, "Yeah. Visit _me._ " She puts emphasis on the word, watching as a blush makes it way on Noora's face. 

Noora feigns innocence, "I don't know what you're talking about." 

"I talked to Yousef, now it's your turn." Sana says with a mischevious smile. 

"I'm supposed to meet him tomorrow." 

Sana is acutely aware of the fact that the other three girls are looking back and forth between Sana and Noora trying to figure out the conversation. 

Sana turns serious, "That's my brother. Don't break his heart." 

Noora smiles uneasily, "I'll try not to." 

It's enough for Sana. She knows that Noora would never intentionally try to hurt anyone and the same for Elias. 

"Wait! You mean Noora is with Elias?" Eva asks from off to the side. 

"What?" Vilde almost screeches. 

"It's nothing. Nowhere near as exciting as Sana and Yousef!" Noora exclaims.  


Sana knows that Noora is only trying to throw the attention off of herself and straight onto Sana. 

"Yousef?" Eva asks, confusion obvious. 

"You finally talked to him!" Chris says triumphantly.

"Yes, Yossi for the win!" Vilde cheers. 

"Vilde, its been four years. When will stop calling him Yossi?" Sana asks, with an eye roll. 

"Never." Vilde responds quickly. 

"You're back together?" Eva asks. 

Sana nods and she really can't help the smile that show up on her face as she does so. 

"Look, she's so happy!" Chris cheers. 

Sana is basically blindsided by a hug from Chris. 

"It's been so long since you were this happy." Chris whispers into Sana's ear. 

"I love you." Sana says. 

Chris somehow manages to hug Sana tighter, "I love you too, girl." 

"Group hug!" Vilde yells before wrapping her arms around an already hugging Sana and Chris. 

Sana feels all the other girls join into the hug. Chris is right, she realizes. Sana hasn't been this happy in years, two to be more specific. 

Sana doesn't really want this happiness to end. 

****

The morning is possibly the worst for her because when she wakes up she realizes that this is it. She's going back to school and, regrettably, leaving Yousef behind once again. Only this time she's much more confident in their relationship, no matter the distance. 

He's there bright and early in the morning. Sana told him that he didn't have to see her to the airport, her flight was at an absurdly early time but he had insisted. 

To be perfectly honest Sana was glad that he was here with her.

"So here we are." Yousef says. 

Sana looks up at him, "Here we are." 

"This isn't going to be a repeat of last time, is it?" 

Sana shakes her head, "Not a chance." 

Yousef smiles at that and when Yousef smiles Sana has to smile back.

"You're coming back." Yousef says. 

It's a statement, not a question.

Sana's dimples make an appearance, "Always." 

She has a whole speech thought out, words going through her mind. But it doesn't do anything justice. Instead she takes Yousef's hands in her own and looks at him. 

When he looks back Sana just knows that he understands everything that she's trying to say. 

_I love you. I promise that I will never leave you again. I'm coming back._

Sana says all of that through her eyes and its no wonder Yousef understands. They are soulmates, after all. 

He kisses the back of both of her hands. Sana smiles brightly at him, wrapping her arms around his neck tightly. She doesn't want to let go of him. Being at the airport brings up bad memories, terrible ones in fact but not this time. 

She buries her head in his chest, coincidentally right where his heart is. 

"I love you." She says. 

She can feel Yousef smile at her, she doesn't even need to look up.

"I love you too." 

This time when she gets on the plane both of their hearts are still fully intact.

****

_"I've got it!" The young girl yells out upon hearing the doorbell ring._

_"Uncle Elias! Aunt Noora!" Asya calls out when she opens the door to see her uncle, aunt and their family._

_Elias' two little boys run right past the young girl, no doubt going to the kitchen to sneak food past the adults._

_"Asya!" He says, taking the young girl into his arms._

_"I'm going to go help Yousef." Noora says, excusing herself to the kitchen where Yousef undoubtedly is._

_"How are you?" Elias asks._

_"Your favorite niece is doing great." Asya says with a smile bright on her face._

_"You are not his favorite." Sajia says from off to the right._

_Asya pulls out of her hug with her uncle Elias to glare at her older sister, "And you are?" She counters, eyes narrowing._

_"Of course."_

_"You are not."_

_"Well neith-"_

_"Oh please none of you are his favorite." Their sister, Emine, interrupts._

_Her younger sisters sneer at her, Asya muttering a 'whatever'._

_"Where is the other one?"_

_"I'm right here." Keila says, appearing behind her uncle and giving everyone a heart attack._

_Elias jumps and turns around quickly to face his niece, "I will never understand how you do that."_

_"She learns from the best."_

_Elias jumps again, making Sana and all her daughters break out into laughter._

_Elias gives his sister a glare, "Haha. Where's my best friend?"_

_Sana smiles fondly at the thought of her husband, "I think he's in the kitchen, fussing over the food."_

_"Of course he's in the kitchen."_

_"Mamma isn't allowed to cook anymore. Not after the soup incident." Emine says with a laugh._

_The four sisters give each other a look at the memory of their mamma._

_"Oh! And what was this soup incident?" Elias asks suddenly interested._

_"Mamma tried to make the carrot soup that Papa loves for their anniversary she left it on stove too long and it burnt." Asya explains._

_"It smelled like burned carrots for a full week." Sajia says._

_"We had to throw out the whole pot." Emine pipes in._

_"Legend says if you walk by the stove you can still smell the burned carrots." Keila finishes._

_Elias smirks at his sister._

_Sana looks embarrassed but honestly the story gets funnier each time she hears it._

_"Where's Noora?" Sana asks, trying to change the subject._

_"She's helping Yousef. You know how they are." Elias explains._

_Those two always ended up in the kitchen even when everyone else told them not to._

_"Let's go say hi to Aunt Noora." Emine says and suddenly Sana's four daughters are going into the kitchen to greet their aunt._

_"So much for me being their favorite." Elias mutters._

_Sana rolls her eyes, "You know they love you."_

_"So where are the boys?" Sana asks._

_"Adam and Mikael are away on holiday. I thought Mutta was here already?" Elias says._

_Sana rolls her eyes, "I meant your kids, Elias."_

_"Ohh! They're around here somewhere."_

_Sana smiles, "How is life with toddlers treating you?"_

_Elias runs a hand over his face, "It's exhausting. They try to eat everything!"_

_Sana only laughs at his frustration. She can tell, he has that look about him. The one where it's slightly obvious that he's entirely stressed and running on four hours of sleep. Thankfully, Sana was done with that stage._

_"It's worth it though." She says._

_Elias nods, "Yeah it is."_

_"Come on." Sana says, walking out of the front hallway and into the living room._

_She can hear her daughters arguing in the kitchen and the sound of her nephews running around causing chaos._

_The doorbell rings as soon as Sana goes to sit on the couch. She gets up to open it but Keila and Asya beat her to it._

_"Aunt Eva and Aunt Vilde are here!" The youngest girl calls across the house._

_Sana brings both girls into a hug, closing the door behind them._

_"Is Chris already here?" Vilde asks._

_"Yes, she's in the living room." Sana answers._

_"Good! I have to tell her something."_

_Sana gives Vilde a look,"Okay."_

_Vilde and Eva walk into the living room and Sana follows them to find everyone lounging aroung the living room except for her dear husband._

_Sana walks into the kitchen, sliding her arms around her husband._

_He leans into her touch making Sana smile._

_"You know you aren't allowed in the kitchen anymore."_

_Sana groans,"It was one time! When are we all going to forget about that?"_

_"You managed to burn soup." Yousef laughs._

_Sana lets out a smile,"It's the thought that counts."_

_"You were thinking of me when you burnt the soup?" Yousef teases, turning around in her arms so that they're face to face._

_"Yes?"_

_Yousef laces their fingers together, holding them against his chest. She gives him a quick peck on the lips._

_"I love you."_

_Sana smiles,"I love you."  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sana and Yousef have four daughters ok? Don't fight me on this. It's officially the end. Thank you guys so much for reading. Especially all the comments they meant so much to me. Mourn the end with me on [tumblr](http://fvckinbitter.tumblr.com/)


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